Are you happy?

I spent a lovely day with my mother today in honour of Mother's Day.  At one point we were on the streetcar, and I'm not sure what prompted the question, but my mother suddenly asked me "But IN GENERAL, you're happy, right?" It kind of took me by surprise, and I had to think about it. What I told her was the truth, for the most part, but I brightened it up a bit because, well, she's my mother, and I know she worries about me enough as it is. I told her that as happy as it's possible for me to be, I'm sort of there. I can't actually let myself be happy, because if I do that it means something TERRIBLE will to happen. I learned in my anxiety disorder group that this is very common for people with anxiety. I always thought it was just me, that I was a freak, or a loser, or selfish and spoiled. But no, it's common. Once you let your guard down, once you feel a bit happy, THAT'S WHEN THE BAD THINGS HAPPEN. People with anxiety - of any degree, but probably especially people with my level of anxiety - live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a way of being - well, FEELING - prepared. It's a way to try and control things, and most anxiety sufferers know that there is little as important as control.

I told her that as far back as I can remember, I've never been a happy person. I've always been high strung, a bit sad, a definite worrier. We started talking about my childhood, and we recalled many stories of me exhibiting such behaviour, and she also told me a few I didn't remember. So...this is me. I've never been a happy person, and I probably never will be, either. But I also don't want to be 80 years old and realize I've wasted my life worrying about all the bad things that could happen; I don't want to live every day feeling sad and scared. So, as I told her, I'm somewhere in the middle between not happy at all, and as happy as I can LET myself be. And for me, that's not too bad.

I know this has very little to do with the theme of this blog - eating disorders - but in a way, maybe it does. I know my terrible relationship with food is intrinsic to my various emotional problems. Maybe one reason why I punish myself with food IS because I'm not that happy; maybe if I was happier, I'd treat myself better.

As usual discussions of this nature, and the realizations that occur because of them, has left me feeling very sad and lonely tonight. I know in so many ways I'm a very lucky person. I know I have a life that is filled with more opportunities and more freedoms than most. Which is how I know that my lifelong sadness is innate; it's just who I am. Which is sad and makes me feel sad. I also kind of accept it, because it IS such a part of who I am, but it still makes me feel so sad. I'm crying a lot tonight. Tomorrow I'll feel better, though. I always feel better in the morning. Nighttime is a naturally melancholy time anyway.