Wok 'n Yoga

So I never did get my bike last weekend. Long story short: Wal Mart sucks. Pretty sure they're pulling the ol' bait & switch, which is in fact illegal, but I so do not care enough to pursue it. I mean, really. Come on now. I did buy an exercise DVD for just under $5, but I've yet to watch it. What I have been doing this week though is yoga. I'm pretty sure I mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like yoga because it hurts my knees and back (and I have legitimate medical issues with my knees and my back.) I tried to take a class a few years ago, but it was awful; I was in so much agony. But doing it at home, where I don't feel so self conscious, especially if I need to modify certain moves to avoid stress on my knees, seems to be OK. In fact, I've actually really enjoyed it both times, and I'm looking forward to doing it again tomorrow morning. And wow, do you ever feel it! I've never been convinced that yoga is much of a workout, but I was wrong. There's also the extra workout of trying to do the moves with a cat or two on your back, legs, head, in your shirt (true story.)

As for food, I haven't been doing too badly. I did buy some ice cream on Sunday night; I was having a massive craving and could not stop thinking about ice cream. Seriously, while I was washing dishes, playing with the cats, making my bed, watching TV, it was non-stop, "icecreamicecreamicecreamicecream". So finally I broke down and bought some. But other than that I've been doing well, especially because of some great advice from a friend. I bought a wok a few weeks ago on this friend's advice, and I've been experimenting with Thai cooking. You couldn't ever call what I've been making authentic Thai, not in any way, shape or form, but I've taken a few bits of Thai cooking here and there, specifically fish sauce and chilis, and have been using them to cook my veggies, chicken, and tofu. I've found when I combine just a touch of the fish sauce (I hate fish, but a small amount of this sauce is OK,) garlic chili sauce, and olive oil, it makes anything I'm cooking taste like THE BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD. So I'm actually enjoying my meals, they're healthy, and I'm enjoying cooking, which is rare for me.

So all in all it hasn't been a bad week. My mood is much better than it has been, too, which always helps with the diet and exercise, since my moods play a big role in my health and self care. If I'm feeling OK, I'm far more likely to do something good for myself, like eat properly and exercise. If I'm down, I'm staying down for a while, and I won't do anything beneficial for myself. So yeah, this has been a good week.

I Want What I Can't Have

I'm posting this largely because of the AAAAA-dorable picture (the eyes! The eyes!) but also because it makes several excellent points, especially "I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have." So true. I know that a big part of my eating habits revolve around feeling deprived, feeling like something is forbidden, which only makes me want it more. I think that's another reason why using certain foods as a "treat", like allowing myself a can of Coke or French fries once a week, always results in diet failure. It reinforces the idea that I'm being denied things I love, plus it makes me think that the foods I'm eating the rest of the time are bad, because they're the opposite of the treats, if that makes sense. It's all about moderation. Cliched, but true. If I eat the things I consider treats in moderation, they're no longer seen as a goal themselves, nor as forbidden, and therefore the things I eat the rest of the time don't feel like some sort of punishment, food I'm being forced to eat because I can't have the food I want.

(Click to read the article on the original page)

Create a Psychological Profile Before Beginning Your Diet

When beginning a diet, we (hopefully) spend an awful lot of time considering our physical health. What's generally forgotten, however, is our psychological health. With the amount of willpower required to maintain a restrictive diet, it's something worth considering.

Since the beginning of the year (by coincidence—I believe new year's resolutions are generally ineffective at best) I've been trying a number of things in Tim Ferriss' new book, The 4 Hour Body. One of those things is the "Slow Carb Diet," which has taught me a lot more about my own psychological issues than what I like to eat. (This is in no way to be interpreted as an evaluation of the diet or anything in the book, by the way—it's too early for that.) I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have. There's more to it than that, but it's point to one simple thing: understanding your own psychology can help you succeed in your diet. I'd suggest doing the following:

• Before starting your diet, try restricting certain foods for a few days and see how you react once you can have them again. Do you rush out to eat them the moment you're able? If you find yourself in a moment of weakness, try to step back and figure out why you're craving a certain food. Did something bad happen? Are you stressed? Are you simple just hungry and could avoid eating it by eating something else?
• When you start your diet, take a practice week (or at least a few days if you have a lot of self-control). Use this time to allow yourself to slip up so you can figure out why you're doing it. You can use this information later to help you succeed in your dieting goals.
• When following the diet, if you find yourself having a strong reaction to a meal—good or bad—make note of it and assess why that might be. If you're simply enjoying the food, it's a good meal to remember and repeat. If you've had an especially good or bad day, however, it's worth noting that your mood may be coloring your experience. You don't want to assign too much praise or criticism to a meal when you're in a heightened emotional state.

Bike

I think I am finally going to be able to get my exercise bike this Saturday (this one.) I've been waiting on this bike, knowing full well that I need to incorporate regular exercise in my life, that's just a given, but I haven't been doing any other exercise in the meantime.  Not good. So hopefully Saturday I can get my bike, park it in front of the TV, and start working out properly. I need to do this for obvious reason, but there's also the fact that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Isn't it funny that even though I KNOW exercise would help me deal with depression and anxiety, I still don't do it. I've noticed that's something I do quite often in life; I reject the things that will help me. I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up. I don't do yoga because it hurts my knees and back - which is a legitimate issue, but if I modify the moves I could do it. Yoga would help both my body and my mind, but once again, I don't do it. I've used tapping in moments of extreme anxiety, and it helps, it really does, and it's so easy. But I rarely do it, even if I'm at home and no one is watching me and therefore I've no excuse not to do it. I guess it's easy to see that it's not just laziness on my part, although that's definitely a factor, but it's also my dedication to punishing myself. I dare not do something that would make me feel good instead of bad.

I realized last night, as I was eating my second bowl of cereal for dinner, that maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe I do need to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I don't know. But I do know that I am capable of doing things that are beneficial to me, I just don't seem capable of sticking with them. Or at least I have myself convinced that I'm not able to stick with them. So I'm just going to keep trying, and maybe when I see my doctor in February for my regular 3 month appointment (she likes to keep tabs on me because of my depression,) I'll mention this to her.

First Time

I remember the very first time I felt fat. I was about 14 years old and a friend was spending the night. We were lying on the living room floor and she said "Look at my stomach, when I lie down it's concave." So I tried it, and my stomach was not concave. It wasn't convex, it was just sort of the same. My friend laughed and kept poking at her concave stomach. Until that point I'd never really even thought about my body. I was always super skinny, not least of all because I played soccer in a very competitive league and was very athletic and muscular. It wasn't until I stopped playing soccer at 13 (due to circumstances beyond my control that are not important here) and started developing that I started to think of my body and how it looked, especially compared to other girls. By the time I was 16 I had grown up and out. I had enormous breasts that I hated, and I had no idea how to wear a proper bra. And while in hindsight I can see that I was still relatively thin, I felt like a beast, especially compared to the smaller, petite girls. I grew tall, I developed a large figure (big boned, I guess you'd call it, although I hate that term,) and I had all this fat I'd never had before. Sometimes it feels like I've ever fully recovered from puberty, and I think that has played a small part in my inability to accept my body, no matter what its shape. I'm 35 years old, and have pretty much hated my body since the age of 14.

Full

I just finished eating way too much, but this time I didn't mean to. I'm not sure I would call this binging? I feel awful and so full and lightheaded and nauseated and like I could be sick at any time. And even though I'm terrified of vomiting I almost wish I would.

I went out for Indian yesterday and had a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend, and ordered a lot of food and had to get some of it to take home. I had it for dinner, but there wasn't much there so I also had a bit of what I'd just finished cooking (to take to work for lunch.) I guess it was more than I thought, because yeah, I feel disgusting. I could have very easily just eaten the leftover Indian and been completely satisfied, but in my mind it wasn't nearly enough food. I wonder when that aspect of  my disorder will change, when I can look at a smaller amount of food and feel like it will be enough.

This weekend wasn't the best food-wise, but I never binged. Now I feel like I just ate for the past two hours straight and I don't know what to do. Lie down on the couch until it passes, I guess. It's times like this that I hope for an upset stomach. Not vomiting, but diarrhea (sorry...heh.) I have a sensitive stomach and often experience diarrhea, and sometimes I'm happy when it happens, because it's almost like a fitting punishment for binging or something. It's yet another form of punishing myself, which as mentioned more than once, I always feel the need to do (if I didn't I doubt my emotional issues would be anywhere near as severe as they are.) I hope this passes soon, I feel like crying.

Sensitivity

Before reading this post click here. It will give you some insight into what I've written below, but also into me as a person. I'll always be grateful to a certain friend for introducing me to the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person. Suddenly it felt like I might make a bit of sense, that there's a reason I'm the way I am, and I'm not a nut job (OK, not just a nut job.)

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.


And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.

Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?

I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.

See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.

I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.

Elaken 05:48 PM

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I hate being told you will find someone because some people never do. Through their own personality issues or just bad luck it doesn't happen. My boyfriend broke up with me - although we were together only a few months it is killing me - he was the only guy I have *ever* enjoyed kissing, the first one were sex meant something and was meaningful instead of me feeling used (and I actually liked it amazingly enough), who looked at me the way no one else has, and whose personality I like enough that I am devastated he seems to not want to be friends.

It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.

mustlovebooknerd 07:44 PM

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@Elaken: YES! Thank you so much for saying this. I have never been in a serious relationship and have barely ever dated, and it's the one thing I want more than anything in the world (I didn't have a very stable family growing up and we're still not close now that I'm an adult, so I want nothing more than to be married and start a family of my own).

Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.

steakymarbs 08:13 PM

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@Elaken: My mother constantly tells me she doesn't think I'll ever end up with someone. And while I have dated a couple of guys who were gaa-gaa crazy over me, I was just "meh" about them (and ended each relationship rather quickly to spare them future hurt). I used to be really rather upset my mother would say such things, but now, I look at it as a chance to do what I want, have awesome cuddletimes with my cat, and 'do me'.

Perhaps its just the "American Ideal" to be in a relationship that 'completes you'. I rather feel complete without someone else. And if I find someone who complements me, then wicked. If not, I'm happy and whole.

 

Changes

Been a little hit and miss this week. I've been staying on track, haven't been stuffing myself, been eating normal portions...but I've been a bit down. I'm pretty sure that's related to other factors, but it's not helping me feel positive about my...what is it that I'm doing? It's not a diet, it's not a regime, it's...I feel silly just calling it my "changes", it makes me feel like I'm menopausal or something. Whatever it's called, I haven't been feeling positive about it because of this mood. But the fact that despite this mood I've stayed on track is encouraging. I can't eat when I'm anxious, but I sure as hell can eat when I'm depressed. So that's one point in my yay! column.

Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.

There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.

Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend as far as food goes. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat junk (and we all know the weekend is pretty much a free pass to eat junk food,) and I didn't obsess. I'm concerned that I may become as obsessed with the changes I'm making as I am with food in general, which I don't want. The goal is not to trade a negative obsession with food for a positive one; that's still an obsession, which I don't need. It's all about the changes, but it's also about not making food such a huge part of my life. I think about food constantly; I need to change that. So this weekend was good in that respect. It was also good because on Sunday I made a conscious decision to actually eat three regular meals, breakfast lunch and dinner. I rarely eat regular meals on weekends. Often I can go to five or six o'clock without even thinking about food. That's not healthy. Saturday I only had two meals; it was my mom who reminded me I need to eat regularly, that I can't get by with just dinner, or just lunch and dinner, or breakfast and dinner, etc.

I also made my chili - 2 cans of tomatoes, can of tomato paste, a small dash of olive oil, onions, smidgen of chili powder (last time I made chili I put in way too much chili powder and damn near blew my face off,) white and red kidney beans, AND, a cup of quinoa. The addition of the quinoa was a genius move, if I do say so myself. I love adding it to meals where I can. The chili was delicious. And easy. Easy is key for me. Which reminds me: I mentioned below that if anyone has any cheap, healthy, and EASY recipes to share please do so. I'm lazy and I don't like cooking.

That Simpson, he thinks he's the pope of chili town!

I had a small relapse last night. I'm not sure relapse is the right word but I can't think of another one. I finished my dinner (I still have to work on eating slowly, too,) but instead of feeling satisfied, I started to feel the urge to raid the kitchen again. I wasn't hungry at all, but I need to eat. I just wanted to eat. So I had some corn nuts, and I had some cheezies that have been in my cupboard for a few weeks. I should just throw them out.

This binge was different in that I didn't eat too much of the corn nuts or cheezies; I didn't stuff myself until I was in pain. So while I'm disappointed in myself (I kept telling myself to stop, just stop, but the need to eat was much stronger,) I'm glad I was able to pull myself back from the edge. I just have to keep reminding myself: one day at a time. I also keep reminding myself to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones. Anytime I start feeling down about my weight, start thinking I can't do this, start thinking what's the point, I remind myself why I'm doing this. To feel better physically, to be nicer to my body, but also to be nicer to myself in general. I spend a lot of time telling myself how horrible I am. So I'm working on reversing those thoughts every time I have them. It's exhausting, but hey, I'm used to being worn out by my head. My head has long been my enemy, so this struggle is nothing new, but my response to it is.

This weekend I'm going to make vegetarian chili in my slow cooker. I always load it with beans so it's high in fibre. Plus it's super delicious, and filling. Maybe this endeavour will encourage me to start cooking more. I think when you cook a lot you are more aware of what you're putting in your body. If anyone has any recipe ideas - healthy, EASY recipes (I cannot stress easy enough, mainly because I just don't enjoy cooking, so it needs to be something I can do relatively easily) - feel free to share.

Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)

I didn't read this until tonight. Meaning, I diagnosed my symptoms on my own and came to the conclusion that I have an eating disorder. So while I feel like I've earned bragging rights for proper diagnosis, it makes me feel a bit sad and disheartened to read this, to see that yes, I 100% fit the profile for a compulsive binge eater.

Main Features of Binge-Eating Disorder

* binge-eating: eating a large amount of food within a set period of time (e.g. within any two hour period), an amount of food that is larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances
* feeling a sense of lack of control over eating during a binge (e.g. feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)
* no purging (attempts to get rid of food eaten) following a binge

Behaviors Associated with Binge-Eating

* repeated occurrences of binge eating not followed by purging
* eating unusually large amounts of food, to the point of feeling physical discomfort
* feeling a sense of being "out of control" while eating, taking other people's food, stealing, eating discarded food and/or searching desperately for food
* eating to feel temporary emotional comfort, driven to eat for pleasurable feelings
* feeling agitated, wanders/paces up and down during binges
* eating in secret or alone, embarrassed about bingeing behavior
* feeling distress, depression, shame, revulsion/disgust after overeating
* eats rapidly and may experience an "altered state of consciousness" (trance-like); people often watch TV or listen to loud music to distract them during binges
eating between and beyond meal times, snacks excessively
* intense urges or cravings to eat particular foods
* low self-esteem/self-image, over concern about shape and weight, trying to diet due to guilt

Triggers

* being alone, isolated, workaholic lifestyle, lack of structure in the day
* personal problems (e.g. breakup with a partner, death of a loved one, losing a job)
* involved with critical, non-nuturing relationships causing low self-worth and stress
* unpleasant feelings i.e. feeling anxious, frustrated, bored, tired, upset, depressed, abandoned, rage
* gaining weight, feeling fat
* dieting, breaking a diet, feeling hungry, drinking alcohol

Emotional Consequences

* feeling helpless, loss of control, lonely, guilty, regretful, confused, distressed
* low self-esteem, depression
* self-punitive thoughts/blaming oneself e.g. "I'm a failure"

Binge eating disorder often begins in adulthood as a response to overwhelming, painful experiences or feelings inside. Binge-eating is also more common in adults who are larger in size. People who are average weight, or underweight also binge-eat. Men and women are affected, African-Americans appear to be at risk as much as Caucasians and it affects people in a wide age-range, from twenty to fifty years. By overeating, a person may try to dampen, suppress and deal with feelings and emotions such as anxiety, anger, depression, emptiness, frustration, low self-esteem, fear and/or guilt. Binge-eating can start a vicious cycle as a person begins to binge-eat because they feel badly inside, followed by dieting/fasting, which often leads to another binge episode.

Sheena's Place - Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)

Pasta

What is the one food that tempts you the most? And I don't mean some sort of special treat, some rare indulgence, I mean the food that you eat the most, the food you just can't get enough of? No question about mine, it's pasta. It sounds funny coming from someone with a weight problem, but there really aren't many foods that I actually like, at least consistently. The only food I always like is pasta. Pasta is fine in moderation, but I have no concept of moderation when it comes to pasta. I eat it often, but worst of all, I eat huge portions of it, absolutely huge. I always, always stuff myself silly when I eat pasta. You know how I mentioned that I am always in physical pain after eating dinner? That I sit on my couch and try to catch my breath? The culprit is often these mammoth sized bowls of pasta. Oh, and I cover it in sauce and grated cheddar. Way too much grated cheddar. Gigantic pile o' pasta and cheese, basically. And I'm not even a huge fan of cheese, but on pasta I can't get enough of it.

Well, tonight I decided to have pasta for dinner. I'm cutting way back on the amount of pasta I'm going to eat each week, but I'm still going to eat it. As I said in my first post, I am not going on a diet, I am learning how to eat better. I am changing my relationship with food, I am trying to treat my body better instead of punishing it. So much like the first time I went to a bar after I quit smoking, my first time eating pasta after making the decision to change how I eat was a big test. I started to add the pasta to the boiling water...OK a little more...a little more...and then I stopped. And I could still see the bottom of the pot. OK, this is progress. Once it was cooked and I poured it into the strainer, it didn't look like much. I thought to myself "How the hell is this supposed to fill me up? I'm going to be hungry again in an hour!" Well, it just goes to show how screwed up my perception of food is, because I ate it all...and I'm full. But not uncomfortably full, just full. So you're telling me a normal sized portion of pasta really is filling? I don't have to eat 3 or 4 or 5 servings? This is messed up. I don't get it.

We'll All Float On OK

After sharing this with a few of the people I trust, I came to realize that most of us have issues similar to mine. They may not have manifested themselves in the same way, but they're essentially the same issues, and often involve some sort of addiction. Most of it seems to come down to self destructive behaviour, which seems to be caused by control issues or self loathing (or both, or more.)  I also realized that some people do have issues similar to mine, but you wouldn't know it, because our bodies look so different. It's amazing to me that someone who is thin could have the same struggles with food as I do. How is that possible? It doesn't make sense! I guess you don't have to be overweight, or anorexic, to have an eating disorder.

A new revelation today (wow, they're just coming left and right, aren't they?) - a friend pointed out that there are a lot of similarities between my current struggle and quitting smoking. Not just the fact that quitting smoking is so fucking hard, one of the hardest things you can do (for me it was the withdrawal; I never, not once, struggled with the urge to smoke, I struggled with the anxiety and depression that came with withdrawal. I kid you not when I say I was damn near suicidal,) and therefore if I was strong enough to do that, I am strong enough to do this, but also with relation to how your body feels afterward. I remember clearly the first time I noticed I could breath without difficulty, I could take in so much air in my lungs, and I felt...fantastic. My body felt fantastic. The difference was intense, and it was wonderful. This friend pointed out that my body will feel the same way once I start treating it better in this area. That never occurred to me, but it makes so much sense.

The last couple of days have been pretty successful. I haven't gorged myself once. I'm happy, but cautious. I know it's a cliche to say take things one day at a time, but that's what I have to do. So far so good.

I Don't Make Resolutions

I am starting this blog as a sort of weight loss blog, but it isn't just that, it's a bit bigger than that I think. I had a major revelation yesterday, one I will attempt to keep short but it's difficult: I use food to punish myself. When I'm in public, I manage to eat like a normal human being, but when I'm alone in my apartment, I gorge and stuff myself until I am in physical pain, and I have difficulty catching my breath. This is normal for me. This is how I eat almost every night.

My mother casually mentioned some TV show the other night where some guy (a chef, maybe?) goes all over the world and stuffs himself full of food. I mentioned half jokingly that that's how I eat, and that it usually results with me being in pain. That was the beginning of the revelation. It wasn't fully realized however until the next day when my mother called me and told me she'd been thinking about what I'd said, and it had alarmed her. My mother is of course well aware of my struggles with food; I put on fifty pounds about seven or eight years ago while on Paxil, and have never been able to lose it, not least of all because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease in 2008. Even before the weight gain though, I was unhappy with my weight (it wasn't until I put on the fifty pounds though that I realized I had been fine; in fact, I looked pretty great. Hindsight - or, more accurately, perspective - is a bitch.) My mother was no longer just a sympathetic ear, however; what I had said to her on the phone the night before really worried her, and she decided it was probably best for me to seek professional help. I agreed with her, but at the same time, I was just starting to realize the true extent of my relationship with food, and that in itself was probably more helpful than a professional would be (although I'm not discounting the value of experience and objectivity. I haven't written off seeking professional help.) What I realized was the following:

• I use food to punish myself. I have severe emotional issues due to depression, anxiety and OCD. I have major issues with guilt, and I feel bad about myself and feel like I always need to be punished for...something. But I never connected these issues to my relationship with food. If I stuff myself to the point that I'm in pain, it's just one more way I punish myself for being a terrible person.
• I use my weight as an excuse for never pursuing a relationship with someone. I am not a boy crazy person, for lack of a better term, never have been. I am very comfortable spending time by myself; in fact, I prefer it. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want a relationship should I meet the right person. But because of my weight I've convinced myself that I will never attract someone, least of all someone to whom I would be attracted, so I've decided I will be single for the rest of my life. Being fat helps me feel like these feelings are justified.
• I don't deserve to be thin or pretty. I actually am pretty - I'm not hot or anything, not even close, but I'm cute, I'm what you might consider reasonably attractive. But with this excess fat, I don't feel pretty. Not to mention the fact that I gain weight in my face (yay me!) so right now, the double chin, aye aye aye. Not pretty. As for being thin, well, I just don't deserve it, because only good people deserve to be thin, and I'm just not a good person.
• Last, and probably most important, I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Because I never feel like I'm a good person, I never feel like my feelings are justified. If someone was to tell me all the things I've written above, it would be obvious to me that they had an eating disorder. But because it's me, I assume I'm being dramatic, whiny, stupid. But I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. It's still not easy for me to say it and believe it, but it's true. And I will keep telling myself that I have an eating disorder because recognizing it is one of the ways I will be able to try and fix my relationship with food.

This is a much longer introduction than I'd planned. But I think it gives you the gist of what I'm dealing with, and what I will be dealing with, not just in the coming months, but...forever. Because I have decided to fight my eating disorder. Which means fighting years and years of emotional issues. But I've been fighting those issues for a long time, and I've made progress here and there, so I have to believe I can make progress with my weight. Especially since my weight is something far more tangible than my emotions. And I would imagine if I feel better about my weight, about my body, I will feel a bit better about myself, and maybe be kinder to myself. Because that's the main reasons I want to do this: I want to treat myself with more respect, I want to be nicer to myself. Constantly feeling like I'm an ugly, worthless piece of shit is no way to live. I want to treat my body better so I can treat myself better.

I'm including two "before" pictures. But I want to clarify that this isn't for tracking my weight loss per se, it's to keep track of how my body responds to being treated better. I'm excited; scared, but excited.

And no I can't figure out how to rotate these gat dang images.