I think I am finally going to be able to get my exercise bike this Saturday (this one.) I've been waiting on this bike, knowing full well that I need to incorporate regular exercise in my life, that's just a given, but I haven't been doing any other exercise in the meantime. Not good. So hopefully Saturday I can get my bike, park it in front of the TV, and start working out properly. I need to do this for obvious reason, but there's also the fact that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Isn't it funny that even though I KNOW exercise would help me deal with depression and anxiety, I still don't do it. I've noticed that's something I do quite often in life; I reject the things that will help me. I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up. I don't do yoga because it hurts my knees and back - which is a legitimate issue, but if I modify the moves I could do it. Yoga would help both my body and my mind, but once again, I don't do it. I've used tapping in moments of extreme anxiety, and it helps, it really does, and it's so easy. But I rarely do it, even if I'm at home and no one is watching me and therefore I've no excuse not to do it. I guess it's easy to see that it's not just laziness on my part, although that's definitely a factor, but it's also my dedication to punishing myself. I dare not do something that would make me feel good instead of bad.
I realized last night, as I was eating my second bowl of cereal for dinner, that maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe I do need to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I don't know. But I do know that I am capable of doing things that are beneficial to me, I just don't seem capable of sticking with them. Or at least I have myself convinced that I'm not able to stick with them. So I'm just going to keep trying, and maybe when I see my doctor in February for my regular 3 month appointment (she likes to keep tabs on me because of my depression,) I'll mention this to her.
1 comment:
Definitely mention to your doctor. It can't hurt.
"I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up."
I thought about this all the way to work this morning.
All my life, I thought meditation meant quieting my mind. When I was a kid and my dad got all into new age stuff and eastern stuff, I took the barest knowledge of that and tried meditating by sitting Indian style with my eyes closed and CLEARING MY MIND. Never worked. Always a billion things crept in. And the harder I tried to clear my mind, of course, the worse it got.
But these past few years, I discovered something great and have confirmed it through Buddhist reading as the truth – meditation doesn’t mean clearing my mind at all. It simply means allowing all the thoughts to pass through as they may without “attaching” to them. And the way that happens for me – and for many people – is by doing things with my hands.
Last year I read a piece on being “present in the moment” while doing something as simple as washing the dishes. And I could identify with it because when I was a kid, washing dishes was actually “meditative” for me, though I didn’t realize it at the time. It was the moment during the day when no one would disturb me for a good stretch of minutes. 20, 30 minutes in which my mind would wander and roam and loop around, but while never really entirely “running away with me” because I had to focus on the task at hand. Literally.
So now, my meditation is cooking. I can’t let my mind run me over with a knife in my hand. Sometimes, still, I get it while washing the dishes. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes washing dishes is still just an annoyance. ;) But often it’s meditative. And it can also be a good time for problem-solving and self-analysis.
When I’m in my car, driving, or when I am working out with too many people around me, the smells and sounds overwhelming, or when I am just sitting on my couch watching TV, those times when my brain just goes and goes and goes, the way yours does, that isn’t the same. That’s not meditative. It sucks hehe. But something about having something in your hands makes a big, big difference. So if there’s something you can do like that, then you should. You might be surprised at the peace you can gain in your head. I know I always am.
I imagine walking outdoors would also work well, but since exercise is a whole other monster (OY), I’ll just leave it at that.
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