After sharing this with a few of the people I trust, I came to realize that most of us have issues similar to mine. They may not have manifested themselves in the same way, but they're essentially the same issues, and often involve some sort of addiction. Most of it seems to come down to self destructive behaviour, which seems to be caused by control issues or self loathing (or both, or more.) I also realized that some people do have issues similar to mine, but you wouldn't know it, because our bodies look so different. It's amazing to me that someone who is thin could have the same struggles with food as I do. How is that possible? It doesn't make sense! I guess you don't have to be overweight, or anorexic, to have an eating disorder.
A new revelation today (wow, they're just coming left and right, aren't they?) - a friend pointed out that there are a lot of similarities between my current struggle and quitting smoking. Not just the fact that quitting smoking is so fucking hard, one of the hardest things you can do (for me it was the withdrawal; I never, not once, struggled with the urge to smoke, I struggled with the anxiety and depression that came with withdrawal. I kid you not when I say I was damn near suicidal,) and therefore if I was strong enough to do that, I am strong enough to do this, but also with relation to how your body feels afterward. I remember clearly the first time I noticed I could breath without difficulty, I could take in so much air in my lungs, and I felt...fantastic. My body felt fantastic. The difference was intense, and it was wonderful. This friend pointed out that my body will feel the same way once I start treating it better in this area. That never occurred to me, but it makes so much sense.
The last couple of days have been pretty successful. I haven't gorged myself once. I'm happy, but cautious. I know it's a cliche to say take things one day at a time, but that's what I have to do. So far so good.
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