I Don't Make Resolutions

I am starting this blog as a sort of weight loss blog, but it isn't just that, it's a bit bigger than that I think. I had a major revelation yesterday, one I will attempt to keep short but it's difficult: I use food to punish myself. When I'm in public, I manage to eat like a normal human being, but when I'm alone in my apartment, I gorge and stuff myself until I am in physical pain, and I have difficulty catching my breath. This is normal for me. This is how I eat almost every night.

My mother casually mentioned some TV show the other night where some guy (a chef, maybe?) goes all over the world and stuffs himself full of food. I mentioned half jokingly that that's how I eat, and that it usually results with me being in pain. That was the beginning of the revelation. It wasn't fully realized however until the next day when my mother called me and told me she'd been thinking about what I'd said, and it had alarmed her. My mother is of course well aware of my struggles with food; I put on fifty pounds about seven or eight years ago while on Paxil, and have never been able to lose it, not least of all because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease in 2008. Even before the weight gain though, I was unhappy with my weight (it wasn't until I put on the fifty pounds though that I realized I had been fine; in fact, I looked pretty great. Hindsight - or, more accurately, perspective - is a bitch.) My mother was no longer just a sympathetic ear, however; what I had said to her on the phone the night before really worried her, and she decided it was probably best for me to seek professional help. I agreed with her, but at the same time, I was just starting to realize the true extent of my relationship with food, and that in itself was probably more helpful than a professional would be (although I'm not discounting the value of experience and objectivity. I haven't written off seeking professional help.) What I realized was the following:

• I use food to punish myself. I have severe emotional issues due to depression, anxiety and OCD. I have major issues with guilt, and I feel bad about myself and feel like I always need to be punished for...something. But I never connected these issues to my relationship with food. If I stuff myself to the point that I'm in pain, it's just one more way I punish myself for being a terrible person.
• I use my weight as an excuse for never pursuing a relationship with someone. I am not a boy crazy person, for lack of a better term, never have been. I am very comfortable spending time by myself; in fact, I prefer it. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want a relationship should I meet the right person. But because of my weight I've convinced myself that I will never attract someone, least of all someone to whom I would be attracted, so I've decided I will be single for the rest of my life. Being fat helps me feel like these feelings are justified.
• I don't deserve to be thin or pretty. I actually am pretty - I'm not hot or anything, not even close, but I'm cute, I'm what you might consider reasonably attractive. But with this excess fat, I don't feel pretty. Not to mention the fact that I gain weight in my face (yay me!) so right now, the double chin, aye aye aye. Not pretty. As for being thin, well, I just don't deserve it, because only good people deserve to be thin, and I'm just not a good person.
• Last, and probably most important, I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Because I never feel like I'm a good person, I never feel like my feelings are justified. If someone was to tell me all the things I've written above, it would be obvious to me that they had an eating disorder. But because it's me, I assume I'm being dramatic, whiny, stupid. But I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. It's still not easy for me to say it and believe it, but it's true. And I will keep telling myself that I have an eating disorder because recognizing it is one of the ways I will be able to try and fix my relationship with food.

This is a much longer introduction than I'd planned. But I think it gives you the gist of what I'm dealing with, and what I will be dealing with, not just in the coming months, but...forever. Because I have decided to fight my eating disorder. Which means fighting years and years of emotional issues. But I've been fighting those issues for a long time, and I've made progress here and there, so I have to believe I can make progress with my weight. Especially since my weight is something far more tangible than my emotions. And I would imagine if I feel better about my weight, about my body, I will feel a bit better about myself, and maybe be kinder to myself. Because that's the main reasons I want to do this: I want to treat myself with more respect, I want to be nicer to myself. Constantly feeling like I'm an ugly, worthless piece of shit is no way to live. I want to treat my body better so I can treat myself better.

I'm including two "before" pictures. But I want to clarify that this isn't for tracking my weight loss per se, it's to keep track of how my body responds to being treated better. I'm excited; scared, but excited.

And no I can't figure out how to rotate these gat dang images.