Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
mustlovebooknerd 07:44 PM
@Elaken: YES! Thank you so much for saying this. I have never been in a serious relationship and have barely ever dated, and it's the one thing I want more than anything in the world (I didn't have a very stable family growing up and we're still not close now that I'm an adult, so I want nothing more than to be married and start a family of my own).
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
4 comments:
I love you, J/Delphine. I want things to be better for you, but in the sense that i want you to feel better within yourself since you're awesome and deserve the best in life and by "best" I mean happiness with who you are and joy and love, not job/apt/money.
Re, judging: There are the extrinsically valued parts of life, like job status or nuclear family or marriage, and then there are the intrinsically valued parts of life; I encourage you to look into difference, especially in well-being and happiness literature/research (you know i studied this a lot). Basically, it's the intrinsically valued stuff that's important and yet that's not what people judge each other on. They instead judge each other on what you own and what you do and how good of a breeder you are, all the extrinsic bullshit that doesn't really provide evidence of your true worth as a person. Unfortunately, people are gonna keep judging and aren't gonna keep their mouth shut, partly because it makes THEM feel better to shit on other people's choices and b/c they've failed to understand your values are different than their own. AND remember, the judging scale they're using isn't really the "right" one since it only measures life according to their world-view (often fueled by materialism and traditionalism) and not how wonderful you are. And when people makes those comments to you, call them on their shit and tell me that you actually ARE CHOOSING your life and what is important in YOUR view is not the same as what is important to THEM. Chapter 1 of Jackie Gardner-Nix's Mindfulness book is very useful to learn about how you judge people and it gives insight into why they're doing it to you.
PS: if you ever get the judged feeling from me, just talk to me about it and tell me i'm making you feel that way. Sometimes I(your friends) are just wanting the best for you and sometimes I may be unaware of placing my own insecurities/wishes on you. I never mean to push my ideas on you...although i know i can be a pretty pushy person.
i mean "call them on their shit and tell THEM" not "tell me" in the above comment.
PS: i agree with the animals paragraph. It's nothing to apologize for and I too get tired of having to prove otherwise. Now I'm gonna judge: the fact that you and I are caring enough to not want anyone or any animal to be in pain, well that makes us better people than most. Giving a shit hurts and that's why so many people don't do it.
Thank you, M. I was going to reply to some of your specific points but it all boils down to I agree with pretty much everything you've written and I appreciate everything you've said. And for the record, you NEVER make me feel this way (like in my post,) NEVER. In fact, you are my least judgmental friend, and accordingly, my most supportive friend, for real. You know the type of shit I tell you, so you KNOW I trust you 100%. If I didn't I wouldn't tell you so much (lucky you...hehe.)
♥
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