Are you happy?

I spent a lovely day with my mother today in honour of Mother's Day.  At one point we were on the streetcar, and I'm not sure what prompted the question, but my mother suddenly asked me "But IN GENERAL, you're happy, right?" It kind of took me by surprise, and I had to think about it. What I told her was the truth, for the most part, but I brightened it up a bit because, well, she's my mother, and I know she worries about me enough as it is. I told her that as happy as it's possible for me to be, I'm sort of there. I can't actually let myself be happy, because if I do that it means something TERRIBLE will to happen. I learned in my anxiety disorder group that this is very common for people with anxiety. I always thought it was just me, that I was a freak, or a loser, or selfish and spoiled. But no, it's common. Once you let your guard down, once you feel a bit happy, THAT'S WHEN THE BAD THINGS HAPPEN. People with anxiety - of any degree, but probably especially people with my level of anxiety - live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a way of being - well, FEELING - prepared. It's a way to try and control things, and most anxiety sufferers know that there is little as important as control.

I told her that as far back as I can remember, I've never been a happy person. I've always been high strung, a bit sad, a definite worrier. We started talking about my childhood, and we recalled many stories of me exhibiting such behaviour, and she also told me a few I didn't remember. So...this is me. I've never been a happy person, and I probably never will be, either. But I also don't want to be 80 years old and realize I've wasted my life worrying about all the bad things that could happen; I don't want to live every day feeling sad and scared. So, as I told her, I'm somewhere in the middle between not happy at all, and as happy as I can LET myself be. And for me, that's not too bad.

I know this has very little to do with the theme of this blog - eating disorders - but in a way, maybe it does. I know my terrible relationship with food is intrinsic to my various emotional problems. Maybe one reason why I punish myself with food IS because I'm not that happy; maybe if I was happier, I'd treat myself better.

As usual discussions of this nature, and the realizations that occur because of them, has left me feeling very sad and lonely tonight. I know in so many ways I'm a very lucky person. I know I have a life that is filled with more opportunities and more freedoms than most. Which is how I know that my lifelong sadness is innate; it's just who I am. Which is sad and makes me feel sad. I also kind of accept it, because it IS such a part of who I am, but it still makes me feel so sad. I'm crying a lot tonight. Tomorrow I'll feel better, though. I always feel better in the morning. Nighttime is a naturally melancholy time anyway.

Heh.

I'm an addict?

I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.

I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.

It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.

I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.

Domino Effect

It's funny how one little slip up can have such a domino effect. Well, slip up is the wrong word, I was fully aware of what I was doing and made the conscious decision to do it. Last Friday night I was in the grocery store after work, and in addition to all the veggies & good stuff I was buying, I also bought a small container of peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies and a box of Kraft Dinner. I had been eating so well all week; lots and lots of veggies, combined with rice noodles or rice (as an aside -totally try black rice. It's quite tasty, with a nice chewy texture, and when you cook it it turns purple! That's reason enough in my world. Oh, and it's loaded with iron and fibre and nutrients, but PURPLE!) I was enjoying cooking every night, I loved chopping up all my ingredients beforehand (something I read on my foodie friend's food blog - thank you M! It seems so obvious but I've only ever chopped my ingredients as I've needed them. Chopping them up beforehand and having them in little colourful piles ready to go as soon as you need them really makes a huge difference in your cooking.) Most of all I loved eating my delicious and nutritious meals. I knew I was doing something really good for my body, and I was enjoying the food. Then came Friday, and that box of Kraft Dinner. I LOVE Kraft Dinner. LOVE it. If you're a Canadian no doubt you had KD quite a bit as a child, sometimes with ketchup and chopped wieners *memories*. I still love it as an adult. Anyway I hadn't had it in ages, and it was Friday night, and I'd been good all week, and it was on sale, so I figured what the hell, let's have a treat tonight! KD and a couple of peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies. Not very nutritious but I figured it was one night, no big deal. Well, the next day, I had some of the cookies for breakfast. Then I went to a friend's house to make vegan baklava (which was planned, I wasn't giving that up for anything.) I should have put most of the baklava in the freezer when I got home, but I ate half of it Saturday night, and the other half Sunday morning for breakfast. So by this point on the weekend all I'd eaten was crap. I've only just today gotten back on track. One little change in my food routine Friday night equals 4 days of not taking proper care of myself. How come that happens? Why is it so hard to stay on track after a little indulgence?

Wok 'n Yoga

So I never did get my bike last weekend. Long story short: Wal Mart sucks. Pretty sure they're pulling the ol' bait & switch, which is in fact illegal, but I so do not care enough to pursue it. I mean, really. Come on now. I did buy an exercise DVD for just under $5, but I've yet to watch it. What I have been doing this week though is yoga. I'm pretty sure I mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like yoga because it hurts my knees and back (and I have legitimate medical issues with my knees and my back.) I tried to take a class a few years ago, but it was awful; I was in so much agony. But doing it at home, where I don't feel so self conscious, especially if I need to modify certain moves to avoid stress on my knees, seems to be OK. In fact, I've actually really enjoyed it both times, and I'm looking forward to doing it again tomorrow morning. And wow, do you ever feel it! I've never been convinced that yoga is much of a workout, but I was wrong. There's also the extra workout of trying to do the moves with a cat or two on your back, legs, head, in your shirt (true story.)

As for food, I haven't been doing too badly. I did buy some ice cream on Sunday night; I was having a massive craving and could not stop thinking about ice cream. Seriously, while I was washing dishes, playing with the cats, making my bed, watching TV, it was non-stop, "icecreamicecreamicecreamicecream". So finally I broke down and bought some. But other than that I've been doing well, especially because of some great advice from a friend. I bought a wok a few weeks ago on this friend's advice, and I've been experimenting with Thai cooking. You couldn't ever call what I've been making authentic Thai, not in any way, shape or form, but I've taken a few bits of Thai cooking here and there, specifically fish sauce and chilis, and have been using them to cook my veggies, chicken, and tofu. I've found when I combine just a touch of the fish sauce (I hate fish, but a small amount of this sauce is OK,) garlic chili sauce, and olive oil, it makes anything I'm cooking taste like THE BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD. So I'm actually enjoying my meals, they're healthy, and I'm enjoying cooking, which is rare for me.

So all in all it hasn't been a bad week. My mood is much better than it has been, too, which always helps with the diet and exercise, since my moods play a big role in my health and self care. If I'm feeling OK, I'm far more likely to do something good for myself, like eat properly and exercise. If I'm down, I'm staying down for a while, and I won't do anything beneficial for myself. So yeah, this has been a good week.

I Want What I Can't Have

I'm posting this largely because of the AAAAA-dorable picture (the eyes! The eyes!) but also because it makes several excellent points, especially "I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have." So true. I know that a big part of my eating habits revolve around feeling deprived, feeling like something is forbidden, which only makes me want it more. I think that's another reason why using certain foods as a "treat", like allowing myself a can of Coke or French fries once a week, always results in diet failure. It reinforces the idea that I'm being denied things I love, plus it makes me think that the foods I'm eating the rest of the time are bad, because they're the opposite of the treats, if that makes sense. It's all about moderation. Cliched, but true. If I eat the things I consider treats in moderation, they're no longer seen as a goal themselves, nor as forbidden, and therefore the things I eat the rest of the time don't feel like some sort of punishment, food I'm being forced to eat because I can't have the food I want.

(Click to read the article on the original page)

Create a Psychological Profile Before Beginning Your Diet

When beginning a diet, we (hopefully) spend an awful lot of time considering our physical health. What's generally forgotten, however, is our psychological health. With the amount of willpower required to maintain a restrictive diet, it's something worth considering.

Since the beginning of the year (by coincidence—I believe new year's resolutions are generally ineffective at best) I've been trying a number of things in Tim Ferriss' new book, The 4 Hour Body. One of those things is the "Slow Carb Diet," which has taught me a lot more about my own psychological issues than what I like to eat. (This is in no way to be interpreted as an evaluation of the diet or anything in the book, by the way—it's too early for that.) I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have. There's more to it than that, but it's point to one simple thing: understanding your own psychology can help you succeed in your diet. I'd suggest doing the following:

• Before starting your diet, try restricting certain foods for a few days and see how you react once you can have them again. Do you rush out to eat them the moment you're able? If you find yourself in a moment of weakness, try to step back and figure out why you're craving a certain food. Did something bad happen? Are you stressed? Are you simple just hungry and could avoid eating it by eating something else?
• When you start your diet, take a practice week (or at least a few days if you have a lot of self-control). Use this time to allow yourself to slip up so you can figure out why you're doing it. You can use this information later to help you succeed in your dieting goals.
• When following the diet, if you find yourself having a strong reaction to a meal—good or bad—make note of it and assess why that might be. If you're simply enjoying the food, it's a good meal to remember and repeat. If you've had an especially good or bad day, however, it's worth noting that your mood may be coloring your experience. You don't want to assign too much praise or criticism to a meal when you're in a heightened emotional state.

Bike

I think I am finally going to be able to get my exercise bike this Saturday (this one.) I've been waiting on this bike, knowing full well that I need to incorporate regular exercise in my life, that's just a given, but I haven't been doing any other exercise in the meantime.  Not good. So hopefully Saturday I can get my bike, park it in front of the TV, and start working out properly. I need to do this for obvious reason, but there's also the fact that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Isn't it funny that even though I KNOW exercise would help me deal with depression and anxiety, I still don't do it. I've noticed that's something I do quite often in life; I reject the things that will help me. I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up. I don't do yoga because it hurts my knees and back - which is a legitimate issue, but if I modify the moves I could do it. Yoga would help both my body and my mind, but once again, I don't do it. I've used tapping in moments of extreme anxiety, and it helps, it really does, and it's so easy. But I rarely do it, even if I'm at home and no one is watching me and therefore I've no excuse not to do it. I guess it's easy to see that it's not just laziness on my part, although that's definitely a factor, but it's also my dedication to punishing myself. I dare not do something that would make me feel good instead of bad.

I realized last night, as I was eating my second bowl of cereal for dinner, that maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe I do need to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I don't know. But I do know that I am capable of doing things that are beneficial to me, I just don't seem capable of sticking with them. Or at least I have myself convinced that I'm not able to stick with them. So I'm just going to keep trying, and maybe when I see my doctor in February for my regular 3 month appointment (she likes to keep tabs on me because of my depression,) I'll mention this to her.