I'm an addict?

I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.

I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.

It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.

I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.

Domino Effect

It's funny how one little slip up can have such a domino effect. Well, slip up is the wrong word, I was fully aware of what I was doing and made the conscious decision to do it. Last Friday night I was in the grocery store after work, and in addition to all the veggies & good stuff I was buying, I also bought a small container of peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies and a box of Kraft Dinner. I had been eating so well all week; lots and lots of veggies, combined with rice noodles or rice (as an aside -totally try black rice. It's quite tasty, with a nice chewy texture, and when you cook it it turns purple! That's reason enough in my world. Oh, and it's loaded with iron and fibre and nutrients, but PURPLE!) I was enjoying cooking every night, I loved chopping up all my ingredients beforehand (something I read on my foodie friend's food blog - thank you M! It seems so obvious but I've only ever chopped my ingredients as I've needed them. Chopping them up beforehand and having them in little colourful piles ready to go as soon as you need them really makes a huge difference in your cooking.) Most of all I loved eating my delicious and nutritious meals. I knew I was doing something really good for my body, and I was enjoying the food. Then came Friday, and that box of Kraft Dinner. I LOVE Kraft Dinner. LOVE it. If you're a Canadian no doubt you had KD quite a bit as a child, sometimes with ketchup and chopped wieners *memories*. I still love it as an adult. Anyway I hadn't had it in ages, and it was Friday night, and I'd been good all week, and it was on sale, so I figured what the hell, let's have a treat tonight! KD and a couple of peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies. Not very nutritious but I figured it was one night, no big deal. Well, the next day, I had some of the cookies for breakfast. Then I went to a friend's house to make vegan baklava (which was planned, I wasn't giving that up for anything.) I should have put most of the baklava in the freezer when I got home, but I ate half of it Saturday night, and the other half Sunday morning for breakfast. So by this point on the weekend all I'd eaten was crap. I've only just today gotten back on track. One little change in my food routine Friday night equals 4 days of not taking proper care of myself. How come that happens? Why is it so hard to stay on track after a little indulgence?

Wok 'n Yoga

So I never did get my bike last weekend. Long story short: Wal Mart sucks. Pretty sure they're pulling the ol' bait & switch, which is in fact illegal, but I so do not care enough to pursue it. I mean, really. Come on now. I did buy an exercise DVD for just under $5, but I've yet to watch it. What I have been doing this week though is yoga. I'm pretty sure I mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like yoga because it hurts my knees and back (and I have legitimate medical issues with my knees and my back.) I tried to take a class a few years ago, but it was awful; I was in so much agony. But doing it at home, where I don't feel so self conscious, especially if I need to modify certain moves to avoid stress on my knees, seems to be OK. In fact, I've actually really enjoyed it both times, and I'm looking forward to doing it again tomorrow morning. And wow, do you ever feel it! I've never been convinced that yoga is much of a workout, but I was wrong. There's also the extra workout of trying to do the moves with a cat or two on your back, legs, head, in your shirt (true story.)

As for food, I haven't been doing too badly. I did buy some ice cream on Sunday night; I was having a massive craving and could not stop thinking about ice cream. Seriously, while I was washing dishes, playing with the cats, making my bed, watching TV, it was non-stop, "icecreamicecreamicecreamicecream". So finally I broke down and bought some. But other than that I've been doing well, especially because of some great advice from a friend. I bought a wok a few weeks ago on this friend's advice, and I've been experimenting with Thai cooking. You couldn't ever call what I've been making authentic Thai, not in any way, shape or form, but I've taken a few bits of Thai cooking here and there, specifically fish sauce and chilis, and have been using them to cook my veggies, chicken, and tofu. I've found when I combine just a touch of the fish sauce (I hate fish, but a small amount of this sauce is OK,) garlic chili sauce, and olive oil, it makes anything I'm cooking taste like THE BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD. So I'm actually enjoying my meals, they're healthy, and I'm enjoying cooking, which is rare for me.

So all in all it hasn't been a bad week. My mood is much better than it has been, too, which always helps with the diet and exercise, since my moods play a big role in my health and self care. If I'm feeling OK, I'm far more likely to do something good for myself, like eat properly and exercise. If I'm down, I'm staying down for a while, and I won't do anything beneficial for myself. So yeah, this has been a good week.

I Want What I Can't Have

I'm posting this largely because of the AAAAA-dorable picture (the eyes! The eyes!) but also because it makes several excellent points, especially "I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have." So true. I know that a big part of my eating habits revolve around feeling deprived, feeling like something is forbidden, which only makes me want it more. I think that's another reason why using certain foods as a "treat", like allowing myself a can of Coke or French fries once a week, always results in diet failure. It reinforces the idea that I'm being denied things I love, plus it makes me think that the foods I'm eating the rest of the time are bad, because they're the opposite of the treats, if that makes sense. It's all about moderation. Cliched, but true. If I eat the things I consider treats in moderation, they're no longer seen as a goal themselves, nor as forbidden, and therefore the things I eat the rest of the time don't feel like some sort of punishment, food I'm being forced to eat because I can't have the food I want.

(Click to read the article on the original page)

Create a Psychological Profile Before Beginning Your Diet

When beginning a diet, we (hopefully) spend an awful lot of time considering our physical health. What's generally forgotten, however, is our psychological health. With the amount of willpower required to maintain a restrictive diet, it's something worth considering.

Since the beginning of the year (by coincidence—I believe new year's resolutions are generally ineffective at best) I've been trying a number of things in Tim Ferriss' new book, The 4 Hour Body. One of those things is the "Slow Carb Diet," which has taught me a lot more about my own psychological issues than what I like to eat. (This is in no way to be interpreted as an evaluation of the diet or anything in the book, by the way—it's too early for that.) I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have. There's more to it than that, but it's point to one simple thing: understanding your own psychology can help you succeed in your diet. I'd suggest doing the following:

• Before starting your diet, try restricting certain foods for a few days and see how you react once you can have them again. Do you rush out to eat them the moment you're able? If you find yourself in a moment of weakness, try to step back and figure out why you're craving a certain food. Did something bad happen? Are you stressed? Are you simple just hungry and could avoid eating it by eating something else?
• When you start your diet, take a practice week (or at least a few days if you have a lot of self-control). Use this time to allow yourself to slip up so you can figure out why you're doing it. You can use this information later to help you succeed in your dieting goals.
• When following the diet, if you find yourself having a strong reaction to a meal—good or bad—make note of it and assess why that might be. If you're simply enjoying the food, it's a good meal to remember and repeat. If you've had an especially good or bad day, however, it's worth noting that your mood may be coloring your experience. You don't want to assign too much praise or criticism to a meal when you're in a heightened emotional state.

Full

I just finished eating way too much, but this time I didn't mean to. I'm not sure I would call this binging? I feel awful and so full and lightheaded and nauseated and like I could be sick at any time. And even though I'm terrified of vomiting I almost wish I would.

I went out for Indian yesterday and had a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend, and ordered a lot of food and had to get some of it to take home. I had it for dinner, but there wasn't much there so I also had a bit of what I'd just finished cooking (to take to work for lunch.) I guess it was more than I thought, because yeah, I feel disgusting. I could have very easily just eaten the leftover Indian and been completely satisfied, but in my mind it wasn't nearly enough food. I wonder when that aspect of  my disorder will change, when I can look at a smaller amount of food and feel like it will be enough.

This weekend wasn't the best food-wise, but I never binged. Now I feel like I just ate for the past two hours straight and I don't know what to do. Lie down on the couch until it passes, I guess. It's times like this that I hope for an upset stomach. Not vomiting, but diarrhea (sorry...heh.) I have a sensitive stomach and often experience diarrhea, and sometimes I'm happy when it happens, because it's almost like a fitting punishment for binging or something. It's yet another form of punishing myself, which as mentioned more than once, I always feel the need to do (if I didn't I doubt my emotional issues would be anywhere near as severe as they are.) I hope this passes soon, I feel like crying.

Changes

Been a little hit and miss this week. I've been staying on track, haven't been stuffing myself, been eating normal portions...but I've been a bit down. I'm pretty sure that's related to other factors, but it's not helping me feel positive about my...what is it that I'm doing? It's not a diet, it's not a regime, it's...I feel silly just calling it my "changes", it makes me feel like I'm menopausal or something. Whatever it's called, I haven't been feeling positive about it because of this mood. But the fact that despite this mood I've stayed on track is encouraging. I can't eat when I'm anxious, but I sure as hell can eat when I'm depressed. So that's one point in my yay! column.

Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.

There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.

Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend as far as food goes. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat junk (and we all know the weekend is pretty much a free pass to eat junk food,) and I didn't obsess. I'm concerned that I may become as obsessed with the changes I'm making as I am with food in general, which I don't want. The goal is not to trade a negative obsession with food for a positive one; that's still an obsession, which I don't need. It's all about the changes, but it's also about not making food such a huge part of my life. I think about food constantly; I need to change that. So this weekend was good in that respect. It was also good because on Sunday I made a conscious decision to actually eat three regular meals, breakfast lunch and dinner. I rarely eat regular meals on weekends. Often I can go to five or six o'clock without even thinking about food. That's not healthy. Saturday I only had two meals; it was my mom who reminded me I need to eat regularly, that I can't get by with just dinner, or just lunch and dinner, or breakfast and dinner, etc.

I also made my chili - 2 cans of tomatoes, can of tomato paste, a small dash of olive oil, onions, smidgen of chili powder (last time I made chili I put in way too much chili powder and damn near blew my face off,) white and red kidney beans, AND, a cup of quinoa. The addition of the quinoa was a genius move, if I do say so myself. I love adding it to meals where I can. The chili was delicious. And easy. Easy is key for me. Which reminds me: I mentioned below that if anyone has any cheap, healthy, and EASY recipes to share please do so. I'm lazy and I don't like cooking.

That Simpson, he thinks he's the pope of chili town!

I had a small relapse last night. I'm not sure relapse is the right word but I can't think of another one. I finished my dinner (I still have to work on eating slowly, too,) but instead of feeling satisfied, I started to feel the urge to raid the kitchen again. I wasn't hungry at all, but I need to eat. I just wanted to eat. So I had some corn nuts, and I had some cheezies that have been in my cupboard for a few weeks. I should just throw them out.

This binge was different in that I didn't eat too much of the corn nuts or cheezies; I didn't stuff myself until I was in pain. So while I'm disappointed in myself (I kept telling myself to stop, just stop, but the need to eat was much stronger,) I'm glad I was able to pull myself back from the edge. I just have to keep reminding myself: one day at a time. I also keep reminding myself to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones. Anytime I start feeling down about my weight, start thinking I can't do this, start thinking what's the point, I remind myself why I'm doing this. To feel better physically, to be nicer to my body, but also to be nicer to myself in general. I spend a lot of time telling myself how horrible I am. So I'm working on reversing those thoughts every time I have them. It's exhausting, but hey, I'm used to being worn out by my head. My head has long been my enemy, so this struggle is nothing new, but my response to it is.

This weekend I'm going to make vegetarian chili in my slow cooker. I always load it with beans so it's high in fibre. Plus it's super delicious, and filling. Maybe this endeavour will encourage me to start cooking more. I think when you cook a lot you are more aware of what you're putting in your body. If anyone has any recipe ideas - healthy, EASY recipes (I cannot stress easy enough, mainly because I just don't enjoy cooking, so it needs to be something I can do relatively easily) - feel free to share.

Pasta

What is the one food that tempts you the most? And I don't mean some sort of special treat, some rare indulgence, I mean the food that you eat the most, the food you just can't get enough of? No question about mine, it's pasta. It sounds funny coming from someone with a weight problem, but there really aren't many foods that I actually like, at least consistently. The only food I always like is pasta. Pasta is fine in moderation, but I have no concept of moderation when it comes to pasta. I eat it often, but worst of all, I eat huge portions of it, absolutely huge. I always, always stuff myself silly when I eat pasta. You know how I mentioned that I am always in physical pain after eating dinner? That I sit on my couch and try to catch my breath? The culprit is often these mammoth sized bowls of pasta. Oh, and I cover it in sauce and grated cheddar. Way too much grated cheddar. Gigantic pile o' pasta and cheese, basically. And I'm not even a huge fan of cheese, but on pasta I can't get enough of it.

Well, tonight I decided to have pasta for dinner. I'm cutting way back on the amount of pasta I'm going to eat each week, but I'm still going to eat it. As I said in my first post, I am not going on a diet, I am learning how to eat better. I am changing my relationship with food, I am trying to treat my body better instead of punishing it. So much like the first time I went to a bar after I quit smoking, my first time eating pasta after making the decision to change how I eat was a big test. I started to add the pasta to the boiling water...OK a little more...a little more...and then I stopped. And I could still see the bottom of the pot. OK, this is progress. Once it was cooked and I poured it into the strainer, it didn't look like much. I thought to myself "How the hell is this supposed to fill me up? I'm going to be hungry again in an hour!" Well, it just goes to show how screwed up my perception of food is, because I ate it all...and I'm full. But not uncomfortably full, just full. So you're telling me a normal sized portion of pasta really is filling? I don't have to eat 3 or 4 or 5 servings? This is messed up. I don't get it.

I Don't Make Resolutions

I am starting this blog as a sort of weight loss blog, but it isn't just that, it's a bit bigger than that I think. I had a major revelation yesterday, one I will attempt to keep short but it's difficult: I use food to punish myself. When I'm in public, I manage to eat like a normal human being, but when I'm alone in my apartment, I gorge and stuff myself until I am in physical pain, and I have difficulty catching my breath. This is normal for me. This is how I eat almost every night.

My mother casually mentioned some TV show the other night where some guy (a chef, maybe?) goes all over the world and stuffs himself full of food. I mentioned half jokingly that that's how I eat, and that it usually results with me being in pain. That was the beginning of the revelation. It wasn't fully realized however until the next day when my mother called me and told me she'd been thinking about what I'd said, and it had alarmed her. My mother is of course well aware of my struggles with food; I put on fifty pounds about seven or eight years ago while on Paxil, and have never been able to lose it, not least of all because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease in 2008. Even before the weight gain though, I was unhappy with my weight (it wasn't until I put on the fifty pounds though that I realized I had been fine; in fact, I looked pretty great. Hindsight - or, more accurately, perspective - is a bitch.) My mother was no longer just a sympathetic ear, however; what I had said to her on the phone the night before really worried her, and she decided it was probably best for me to seek professional help. I agreed with her, but at the same time, I was just starting to realize the true extent of my relationship with food, and that in itself was probably more helpful than a professional would be (although I'm not discounting the value of experience and objectivity. I haven't written off seeking professional help.) What I realized was the following:

• I use food to punish myself. I have severe emotional issues due to depression, anxiety and OCD. I have major issues with guilt, and I feel bad about myself and feel like I always need to be punished for...something. But I never connected these issues to my relationship with food. If I stuff myself to the point that I'm in pain, it's just one more way I punish myself for being a terrible person.
• I use my weight as an excuse for never pursuing a relationship with someone. I am not a boy crazy person, for lack of a better term, never have been. I am very comfortable spending time by myself; in fact, I prefer it. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want a relationship should I meet the right person. But because of my weight I've convinced myself that I will never attract someone, least of all someone to whom I would be attracted, so I've decided I will be single for the rest of my life. Being fat helps me feel like these feelings are justified.
• I don't deserve to be thin or pretty. I actually am pretty - I'm not hot or anything, not even close, but I'm cute, I'm what you might consider reasonably attractive. But with this excess fat, I don't feel pretty. Not to mention the fact that I gain weight in my face (yay me!) so right now, the double chin, aye aye aye. Not pretty. As for being thin, well, I just don't deserve it, because only good people deserve to be thin, and I'm just not a good person.
• Last, and probably most important, I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Because I never feel like I'm a good person, I never feel like my feelings are justified. If someone was to tell me all the things I've written above, it would be obvious to me that they had an eating disorder. But because it's me, I assume I'm being dramatic, whiny, stupid. But I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. It's still not easy for me to say it and believe it, but it's true. And I will keep telling myself that I have an eating disorder because recognizing it is one of the ways I will be able to try and fix my relationship with food.

This is a much longer introduction than I'd planned. But I think it gives you the gist of what I'm dealing with, and what I will be dealing with, not just in the coming months, but...forever. Because I have decided to fight my eating disorder. Which means fighting years and years of emotional issues. But I've been fighting those issues for a long time, and I've made progress here and there, so I have to believe I can make progress with my weight. Especially since my weight is something far more tangible than my emotions. And I would imagine if I feel better about my weight, about my body, I will feel a bit better about myself, and maybe be kinder to myself. Because that's the main reasons I want to do this: I want to treat myself with more respect, I want to be nicer to myself. Constantly feeling like I'm an ugly, worthless piece of shit is no way to live. I want to treat my body better so I can treat myself better.

I'm including two "before" pictures. But I want to clarify that this isn't for tracking my weight loss per se, it's to keep track of how my body responds to being treated better. I'm excited; scared, but excited.

And no I can't figure out how to rotate these gat dang images.