Bike

I think I am finally going to be able to get my exercise bike this Saturday (this one.) I've been waiting on this bike, knowing full well that I need to incorporate regular exercise in my life, that's just a given, but I haven't been doing any other exercise in the meantime.  Not good. So hopefully Saturday I can get my bike, park it in front of the TV, and start working out properly. I need to do this for obvious reason, but there's also the fact that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Isn't it funny that even though I KNOW exercise would help me deal with depression and anxiety, I still don't do it. I've noticed that's something I do quite often in life; I reject the things that will help me. I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up. I don't do yoga because it hurts my knees and back - which is a legitimate issue, but if I modify the moves I could do it. Yoga would help both my body and my mind, but once again, I don't do it. I've used tapping in moments of extreme anxiety, and it helps, it really does, and it's so easy. But I rarely do it, even if I'm at home and no one is watching me and therefore I've no excuse not to do it. I guess it's easy to see that it's not just laziness on my part, although that's definitely a factor, but it's also my dedication to punishing myself. I dare not do something that would make me feel good instead of bad.

I realized last night, as I was eating my second bowl of cereal for dinner, that maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe I do need to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I don't know. But I do know that I am capable of doing things that are beneficial to me, I just don't seem capable of sticking with them. Or at least I have myself convinced that I'm not able to stick with them. So I'm just going to keep trying, and maybe when I see my doctor in February for my regular 3 month appointment (she likes to keep tabs on me because of my depression,) I'll mention this to her.

Full

I just finished eating way too much, but this time I didn't mean to. I'm not sure I would call this binging? I feel awful and so full and lightheaded and nauseated and like I could be sick at any time. And even though I'm terrified of vomiting I almost wish I would.

I went out for Indian yesterday and had a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend, and ordered a lot of food and had to get some of it to take home. I had it for dinner, but there wasn't much there so I also had a bit of what I'd just finished cooking (to take to work for lunch.) I guess it was more than I thought, because yeah, I feel disgusting. I could have very easily just eaten the leftover Indian and been completely satisfied, but in my mind it wasn't nearly enough food. I wonder when that aspect of  my disorder will change, when I can look at a smaller amount of food and feel like it will be enough.

This weekend wasn't the best food-wise, but I never binged. Now I feel like I just ate for the past two hours straight and I don't know what to do. Lie down on the couch until it passes, I guess. It's times like this that I hope for an upset stomach. Not vomiting, but diarrhea (sorry...heh.) I have a sensitive stomach and often experience diarrhea, and sometimes I'm happy when it happens, because it's almost like a fitting punishment for binging or something. It's yet another form of punishing myself, which as mentioned more than once, I always feel the need to do (if I didn't I doubt my emotional issues would be anywhere near as severe as they are.) I hope this passes soon, I feel like crying.