I'm an addict?

I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.

I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.

It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.

I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.

I Want What I Can't Have

I'm posting this largely because of the AAAAA-dorable picture (the eyes! The eyes!) but also because it makes several excellent points, especially "I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have." So true. I know that a big part of my eating habits revolve around feeling deprived, feeling like something is forbidden, which only makes me want it more. I think that's another reason why using certain foods as a "treat", like allowing myself a can of Coke or French fries once a week, always results in diet failure. It reinforces the idea that I'm being denied things I love, plus it makes me think that the foods I'm eating the rest of the time are bad, because they're the opposite of the treats, if that makes sense. It's all about moderation. Cliched, but true. If I eat the things I consider treats in moderation, they're no longer seen as a goal themselves, nor as forbidden, and therefore the things I eat the rest of the time don't feel like some sort of punishment, food I'm being forced to eat because I can't have the food I want.

(Click to read the article on the original page)

Create a Psychological Profile Before Beginning Your Diet

When beginning a diet, we (hopefully) spend an awful lot of time considering our physical health. What's generally forgotten, however, is our psychological health. With the amount of willpower required to maintain a restrictive diet, it's something worth considering.

Since the beginning of the year (by coincidence—I believe new year's resolutions are generally ineffective at best) I've been trying a number of things in Tim Ferriss' new book, The 4 Hour Body. One of those things is the "Slow Carb Diet," which has taught me a lot more about my own psychological issues than what I like to eat. (This is in no way to be interpreted as an evaluation of the diet or anything in the book, by the way—it's too early for that.) I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have. There's more to it than that, but it's point to one simple thing: understanding your own psychology can help you succeed in your diet. I'd suggest doing the following:

• Before starting your diet, try restricting certain foods for a few days and see how you react once you can have them again. Do you rush out to eat them the moment you're able? If you find yourself in a moment of weakness, try to step back and figure out why you're craving a certain food. Did something bad happen? Are you stressed? Are you simple just hungry and could avoid eating it by eating something else?
• When you start your diet, take a practice week (or at least a few days if you have a lot of self-control). Use this time to allow yourself to slip up so you can figure out why you're doing it. You can use this information later to help you succeed in your dieting goals.
• When following the diet, if you find yourself having a strong reaction to a meal—good or bad—make note of it and assess why that might be. If you're simply enjoying the food, it's a good meal to remember and repeat. If you've had an especially good or bad day, however, it's worth noting that your mood may be coloring your experience. You don't want to assign too much praise or criticism to a meal when you're in a heightened emotional state.

Bike

I think I am finally going to be able to get my exercise bike this Saturday (this one.) I've been waiting on this bike, knowing full well that I need to incorporate regular exercise in my life, that's just a given, but I haven't been doing any other exercise in the meantime.  Not good. So hopefully Saturday I can get my bike, park it in front of the TV, and start working out properly. I need to do this for obvious reason, but there's also the fact that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Isn't it funny that even though I KNOW exercise would help me deal with depression and anxiety, I still don't do it. I've noticed that's something I do quite often in life; I reject the things that will help me. I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up. I don't do yoga because it hurts my knees and back - which is a legitimate issue, but if I modify the moves I could do it. Yoga would help both my body and my mind, but once again, I don't do it. I've used tapping in moments of extreme anxiety, and it helps, it really does, and it's so easy. But I rarely do it, even if I'm at home and no one is watching me and therefore I've no excuse not to do it. I guess it's easy to see that it's not just laziness on my part, although that's definitely a factor, but it's also my dedication to punishing myself. I dare not do something that would make me feel good instead of bad.

I realized last night, as I was eating my second bowl of cereal for dinner, that maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe I do need to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I don't know. But I do know that I am capable of doing things that are beneficial to me, I just don't seem capable of sticking with them. Or at least I have myself convinced that I'm not able to stick with them. So I'm just going to keep trying, and maybe when I see my doctor in February for my regular 3 month appointment (she likes to keep tabs on me because of my depression,) I'll mention this to her.

Full

I just finished eating way too much, but this time I didn't mean to. I'm not sure I would call this binging? I feel awful and so full and lightheaded and nauseated and like I could be sick at any time. And even though I'm terrified of vomiting I almost wish I would.

I went out for Indian yesterday and had a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend, and ordered a lot of food and had to get some of it to take home. I had it for dinner, but there wasn't much there so I also had a bit of what I'd just finished cooking (to take to work for lunch.) I guess it was more than I thought, because yeah, I feel disgusting. I could have very easily just eaten the leftover Indian and been completely satisfied, but in my mind it wasn't nearly enough food. I wonder when that aspect of  my disorder will change, when I can look at a smaller amount of food and feel like it will be enough.

This weekend wasn't the best food-wise, but I never binged. Now I feel like I just ate for the past two hours straight and I don't know what to do. Lie down on the couch until it passes, I guess. It's times like this that I hope for an upset stomach. Not vomiting, but diarrhea (sorry...heh.) I have a sensitive stomach and often experience diarrhea, and sometimes I'm happy when it happens, because it's almost like a fitting punishment for binging or something. It's yet another form of punishing myself, which as mentioned more than once, I always feel the need to do (if I didn't I doubt my emotional issues would be anywhere near as severe as they are.) I hope this passes soon, I feel like crying.

Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)

I didn't read this until tonight. Meaning, I diagnosed my symptoms on my own and came to the conclusion that I have an eating disorder. So while I feel like I've earned bragging rights for proper diagnosis, it makes me feel a bit sad and disheartened to read this, to see that yes, I 100% fit the profile for a compulsive binge eater.

Main Features of Binge-Eating Disorder

* binge-eating: eating a large amount of food within a set period of time (e.g. within any two hour period), an amount of food that is larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances
* feeling a sense of lack of control over eating during a binge (e.g. feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)
* no purging (attempts to get rid of food eaten) following a binge

Behaviors Associated with Binge-Eating

* repeated occurrences of binge eating not followed by purging
* eating unusually large amounts of food, to the point of feeling physical discomfort
* feeling a sense of being "out of control" while eating, taking other people's food, stealing, eating discarded food and/or searching desperately for food
* eating to feel temporary emotional comfort, driven to eat for pleasurable feelings
* feeling agitated, wanders/paces up and down during binges
* eating in secret or alone, embarrassed about bingeing behavior
* feeling distress, depression, shame, revulsion/disgust after overeating
* eats rapidly and may experience an "altered state of consciousness" (trance-like); people often watch TV or listen to loud music to distract them during binges
eating between and beyond meal times, snacks excessively
* intense urges or cravings to eat particular foods
* low self-esteem/self-image, over concern about shape and weight, trying to diet due to guilt

Triggers

* being alone, isolated, workaholic lifestyle, lack of structure in the day
* personal problems (e.g. breakup with a partner, death of a loved one, losing a job)
* involved with critical, non-nuturing relationships causing low self-worth and stress
* unpleasant feelings i.e. feeling anxious, frustrated, bored, tired, upset, depressed, abandoned, rage
* gaining weight, feeling fat
* dieting, breaking a diet, feeling hungry, drinking alcohol

Emotional Consequences

* feeling helpless, loss of control, lonely, guilty, regretful, confused, distressed
* low self-esteem, depression
* self-punitive thoughts/blaming oneself e.g. "I'm a failure"

Binge eating disorder often begins in adulthood as a response to overwhelming, painful experiences or feelings inside. Binge-eating is also more common in adults who are larger in size. People who are average weight, or underweight also binge-eat. Men and women are affected, African-Americans appear to be at risk as much as Caucasians and it affects people in a wide age-range, from twenty to fifty years. By overeating, a person may try to dampen, suppress and deal with feelings and emotions such as anxiety, anger, depression, emptiness, frustration, low self-esteem, fear and/or guilt. Binge-eating can start a vicious cycle as a person begins to binge-eat because they feel badly inside, followed by dieting/fasting, which often leads to another binge episode.

Sheena's Place - Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)