I'm an addict?

I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.

I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.

It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.

I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.

Domino Effect

It's funny how one little slip up can have such a domino effect. Well, slip up is the wrong word, I was fully aware of what I was doing and made the conscious decision to do it. Last Friday night I was in the grocery store after work, and in addition to all the veggies & good stuff I was buying, I also bought a small container of peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies and a box of Kraft Dinner. I had been eating so well all week; lots and lots of veggies, combined with rice noodles or rice (as an aside -totally try black rice. It's quite tasty, with a nice chewy texture, and when you cook it it turns purple! That's reason enough in my world. Oh, and it's loaded with iron and fibre and nutrients, but PURPLE!) I was enjoying cooking every night, I loved chopping up all my ingredients beforehand (something I read on my foodie friend's food blog - thank you M! It seems so obvious but I've only ever chopped my ingredients as I've needed them. Chopping them up beforehand and having them in little colourful piles ready to go as soon as you need them really makes a huge difference in your cooking.) Most of all I loved eating my delicious and nutritious meals. I knew I was doing something really good for my body, and I was enjoying the food. Then came Friday, and that box of Kraft Dinner. I LOVE Kraft Dinner. LOVE it. If you're a Canadian no doubt you had KD quite a bit as a child, sometimes with ketchup and chopped wieners *memories*. I still love it as an adult. Anyway I hadn't had it in ages, and it was Friday night, and I'd been good all week, and it was on sale, so I figured what the hell, let's have a treat tonight! KD and a couple of peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies. Not very nutritious but I figured it was one night, no big deal. Well, the next day, I had some of the cookies for breakfast. Then I went to a friend's house to make vegan baklava (which was planned, I wasn't giving that up for anything.) I should have put most of the baklava in the freezer when I got home, but I ate half of it Saturday night, and the other half Sunday morning for breakfast. So by this point on the weekend all I'd eaten was crap. I've only just today gotten back on track. One little change in my food routine Friday night equals 4 days of not taking proper care of myself. How come that happens? Why is it so hard to stay on track after a little indulgence?

I Want What I Can't Have

I'm posting this largely because of the AAAAA-dorable picture (the eyes! The eyes!) but also because it makes several excellent points, especially "I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have." So true. I know that a big part of my eating habits revolve around feeling deprived, feeling like something is forbidden, which only makes me want it more. I think that's another reason why using certain foods as a "treat", like allowing myself a can of Coke or French fries once a week, always results in diet failure. It reinforces the idea that I'm being denied things I love, plus it makes me think that the foods I'm eating the rest of the time are bad, because they're the opposite of the treats, if that makes sense. It's all about moderation. Cliched, but true. If I eat the things I consider treats in moderation, they're no longer seen as a goal themselves, nor as forbidden, and therefore the things I eat the rest of the time don't feel like some sort of punishment, food I'm being forced to eat because I can't have the food I want.

(Click to read the article on the original page)

Create a Psychological Profile Before Beginning Your Diet

When beginning a diet, we (hopefully) spend an awful lot of time considering our physical health. What's generally forgotten, however, is our psychological health. With the amount of willpower required to maintain a restrictive diet, it's something worth considering.

Since the beginning of the year (by coincidence—I believe new year's resolutions are generally ineffective at best) I've been trying a number of things in Tim Ferriss' new book, The 4 Hour Body. One of those things is the "Slow Carb Diet," which has taught me a lot more about my own psychological issues than what I like to eat. (This is in no way to be interpreted as an evaluation of the diet or anything in the book, by the way—it's too early for that.) I've found that most foods that cause cravings have a very simple root cause: I want what I can't have. There's more to it than that, but it's point to one simple thing: understanding your own psychology can help you succeed in your diet. I'd suggest doing the following:

• Before starting your diet, try restricting certain foods for a few days and see how you react once you can have them again. Do you rush out to eat them the moment you're able? If you find yourself in a moment of weakness, try to step back and figure out why you're craving a certain food. Did something bad happen? Are you stressed? Are you simple just hungry and could avoid eating it by eating something else?
• When you start your diet, take a practice week (or at least a few days if you have a lot of self-control). Use this time to allow yourself to slip up so you can figure out why you're doing it. You can use this information later to help you succeed in your dieting goals.
• When following the diet, if you find yourself having a strong reaction to a meal—good or bad—make note of it and assess why that might be. If you're simply enjoying the food, it's a good meal to remember and repeat. If you've had an especially good or bad day, however, it's worth noting that your mood may be coloring your experience. You don't want to assign too much praise or criticism to a meal when you're in a heightened emotional state.

Bike

I think I am finally going to be able to get my exercise bike this Saturday (this one.) I've been waiting on this bike, knowing full well that I need to incorporate regular exercise in my life, that's just a given, but I haven't been doing any other exercise in the meantime.  Not good. So hopefully Saturday I can get my bike, park it in front of the TV, and start working out properly. I need to do this for obvious reason, but there's also the fact that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. Isn't it funny that even though I KNOW exercise would help me deal with depression and anxiety, I still don't do it. I've noticed that's something I do quite often in life; I reject the things that will help me. I don't meditate because the few times I've tried it was impossible to quiet my brain, so instead of working at it, and therefore potentially learning how to quiet said ever-running brain, I just give up. I don't do yoga because it hurts my knees and back - which is a legitimate issue, but if I modify the moves I could do it. Yoga would help both my body and my mind, but once again, I don't do it. I've used tapping in moments of extreme anxiety, and it helps, it really does, and it's so easy. But I rarely do it, even if I'm at home and no one is watching me and therefore I've no excuse not to do it. I guess it's easy to see that it's not just laziness on my part, although that's definitely a factor, but it's also my dedication to punishing myself. I dare not do something that would make me feel good instead of bad.

I realized last night, as I was eating my second bowl of cereal for dinner, that maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe I do need to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I don't know. But I do know that I am capable of doing things that are beneficial to me, I just don't seem capable of sticking with them. Or at least I have myself convinced that I'm not able to stick with them. So I'm just going to keep trying, and maybe when I see my doctor in February for my regular 3 month appointment (she likes to keep tabs on me because of my depression,) I'll mention this to her.

Changes

Been a little hit and miss this week. I've been staying on track, haven't been stuffing myself, been eating normal portions...but I've been a bit down. I'm pretty sure that's related to other factors, but it's not helping me feel positive about my...what is it that I'm doing? It's not a diet, it's not a regime, it's...I feel silly just calling it my "changes", it makes me feel like I'm menopausal or something. Whatever it's called, I haven't been feeling positive about it because of this mood. But the fact that despite this mood I've stayed on track is encouraging. I can't eat when I'm anxious, but I sure as hell can eat when I'm depressed. So that's one point in my yay! column.

Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.

There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.

We'll All Float On OK

After sharing this with a few of the people I trust, I came to realize that most of us have issues similar to mine. They may not have manifested themselves in the same way, but they're essentially the same issues, and often involve some sort of addiction. Most of it seems to come down to self destructive behaviour, which seems to be caused by control issues or self loathing (or both, or more.)  I also realized that some people do have issues similar to mine, but you wouldn't know it, because our bodies look so different. It's amazing to me that someone who is thin could have the same struggles with food as I do. How is that possible? It doesn't make sense! I guess you don't have to be overweight, or anorexic, to have an eating disorder.

A new revelation today (wow, they're just coming left and right, aren't they?) - a friend pointed out that there are a lot of similarities between my current struggle and quitting smoking. Not just the fact that quitting smoking is so fucking hard, one of the hardest things you can do (for me it was the withdrawal; I never, not once, struggled with the urge to smoke, I struggled with the anxiety and depression that came with withdrawal. I kid you not when I say I was damn near suicidal,) and therefore if I was strong enough to do that, I am strong enough to do this, but also with relation to how your body feels afterward. I remember clearly the first time I noticed I could breath without difficulty, I could take in so much air in my lungs, and I felt...fantastic. My body felt fantastic. The difference was intense, and it was wonderful. This friend pointed out that my body will feel the same way once I start treating it better in this area. That never occurred to me, but it makes so much sense.

The last couple of days have been pretty successful. I haven't gorged myself once. I'm happy, but cautious. I know it's a cliche to say take things one day at a time, but that's what I have to do. So far so good.