I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.
I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.
It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.
I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.
Showing posts with label revelations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label revelations. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sensitivity
Before reading this post click here. It will give you some insight into what I've written below, but also into me as a person. I'll always be grateful to a certain friend for introducing me to the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person. Suddenly it felt like I might make a bit of sense, that there's a reason I'm the way I am, and I'm not a nut job (OK, not just a nut job.)
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
I hate being told you will find someone because some people never do. Through their own personality issues or just bad luck it doesn't happen. My boyfriend broke up with me - although we were together only a few months it is killing me - he was the only guy I have *ever* enjoyed kissing, the first one were sex meant something and was meaningful instead of me feeling used (and I actually liked it amazingly enough), who looked at me the way no one else has, and whose personality I like enough that I am devastated he seems to not want to be friends.
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
mustlovebooknerd 07:44 PM
@Elaken: YES! Thank you so much for saying this. I have never been in a serious relationship and have barely ever dated, and it's the one thing I want more than anything in the world (I didn't have a very stable family growing up and we're still not close now that I'm an adult, so I want nothing more than to be married and start a family of my own).
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
Monday, January 3, 2011
I Don't Make Resolutions
I am starting this blog as a sort of weight loss blog, but it isn't just that, it's a bit bigger than that I think. I had a major revelation yesterday, one I will attempt to keep short but it's difficult: I use food to punish myself. When I'm in public, I manage to eat like a normal human being, but when I'm alone in my apartment, I gorge and stuff myself until I am in physical pain, and I have difficulty catching my breath. This is normal for me. This is how I eat almost every night.
My mother casually mentioned some TV show the other night where some guy (a chef, maybe?) goes all over the world and stuffs himself full of food. I mentioned half jokingly that that's how I eat, and that it usually results with me being in pain. That was the beginning of the revelation. It wasn't fully realized however until the next day when my mother called me and told me she'd been thinking about what I'd said, and it had alarmed her. My mother is of course well aware of my struggles with food; I put on fifty pounds about seven or eight years ago while on Paxil, and have never been able to lose it, not least of all because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease in 2008. Even before the weight gain though, I was unhappy with my weight (it wasn't until I put on the fifty pounds though that I realized I had been fine; in fact, I looked pretty great. Hindsight - or, more accurately, perspective - is a bitch.) My mother was no longer just a sympathetic ear, however; what I had said to her on the phone the night before really worried her, and she decided it was probably best for me to seek professional help. I agreed with her, but at the same time, I was just starting to realize the true extent of my relationship with food, and that in itself was probably more helpful than a professional would be (although I'm not discounting the value of experience and objectivity. I haven't written off seeking professional help.) What I realized was the following:
I'm including two "before" pictures. But I want to clarify that this isn't for tracking my weight loss per se, it's to keep track of how my body responds to being treated better. I'm excited; scared, but excited.
And no I can't figure out how to rotate these gat dang images.
My mother casually mentioned some TV show the other night where some guy (a chef, maybe?) goes all over the world and stuffs himself full of food. I mentioned half jokingly that that's how I eat, and that it usually results with me being in pain. That was the beginning of the revelation. It wasn't fully realized however until the next day when my mother called me and told me she'd been thinking about what I'd said, and it had alarmed her. My mother is of course well aware of my struggles with food; I put on fifty pounds about seven or eight years ago while on Paxil, and have never been able to lose it, not least of all because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease in 2008. Even before the weight gain though, I was unhappy with my weight (it wasn't until I put on the fifty pounds though that I realized I had been fine; in fact, I looked pretty great. Hindsight - or, more accurately, perspective - is a bitch.) My mother was no longer just a sympathetic ear, however; what I had said to her on the phone the night before really worried her, and she decided it was probably best for me to seek professional help. I agreed with her, but at the same time, I was just starting to realize the true extent of my relationship with food, and that in itself was probably more helpful than a professional would be (although I'm not discounting the value of experience and objectivity. I haven't written off seeking professional help.) What I realized was the following:
- I use food to punish myself. I have severe emotional issues due to depression, anxiety and OCD. I have major issues with guilt, and I feel bad about myself and feel like I always need to be punished for...something. But I never connected these issues to my relationship with food. If I stuff myself to the point that I'm in pain, it's just one more way I punish myself for being a terrible person.
- I use my weight as an excuse for never pursuing a relationship with someone. I am not a boy crazy person, for lack of a better term, never have been. I am very comfortable spending time by myself; in fact, I prefer it. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want a relationship should I meet the right person. But because of my weight I've convinced myself that I will never attract someone, least of all someone to whom I would be attracted, so I've decided I will be single for the rest of my life. Being fat helps me feel like these feelings are justified.
- I don't deserve to be thin or pretty. I actually am pretty - I'm not hot or anything, not even close, but I'm cute, I'm what you might consider reasonably attractive. But with this excess fat, I don't feel pretty. Not to mention the fact that I gain weight in my face (yay me!) so right now, the double chin, aye aye aye. Not pretty. As for being thin, well, I just don't deserve it, because only good people deserve to be thin, and I'm just not a good person.
- Last, and probably most important, I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Because I never feel like I'm a good person, I never feel like my feelings are justified. If someone was to tell me all the things I've written above, it would be obvious to me that they had an eating disorder. But because it's me, I assume I'm being dramatic, whiny, stupid. But I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. It's still not easy for me to say it and believe it, but it's true. And I will keep telling myself that I have an eating disorder because recognizing it is one of the ways I will be able to try and fix my relationship with food.
I'm including two "before" pictures. But I want to clarify that this isn't for tracking my weight loss per se, it's to keep track of how my body responds to being treated better. I'm excited; scared, but excited.
And no I can't figure out how to rotate these gat dang images.
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