I'm an addict?

I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.

I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.

It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.

I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.

First Time

I remember the very first time I felt fat. I was about 14 years old and a friend was spending the night. We were lying on the living room floor and she said "Look at my stomach, when I lie down it's concave." So I tried it, and my stomach was not concave. It wasn't convex, it was just sort of the same. My friend laughed and kept poking at her concave stomach. Until that point I'd never really even thought about my body. I was always super skinny, not least of all because I played soccer in a very competitive league and was very athletic and muscular. It wasn't until I stopped playing soccer at 13 (due to circumstances beyond my control that are not important here) and started developing that I started to think of my body and how it looked, especially compared to other girls. By the time I was 16 I had grown up and out. I had enormous breasts that I hated, and I had no idea how to wear a proper bra. And while in hindsight I can see that I was still relatively thin, I felt like a beast, especially compared to the smaller, petite girls. I grew tall, I developed a large figure (big boned, I guess you'd call it, although I hate that term,) and I had all this fat I'd never had before. Sometimes it feels like I've ever fully recovered from puberty, and I think that has played a small part in my inability to accept my body, no matter what its shape. I'm 35 years old, and have pretty much hated my body since the age of 14.