I haven't posted here in almost a month. I just haven't felt inspired to write about anything. I haven't been doing too poorly, but I haven't been doing too well, either. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but the food wagon has been OK. A bumpy ride, I've fallen off a couple times, but I keep getting back on.
I'm inspired to write today, though, because I listened to a fantastic radio program on Bioneers this morning (I get it on CIUT) about sugar and fat and their connection to emotional issues, specifically in children but also in adults. It was a great show because the speaker, Margaret Adamek, spoke in a way that was easy to understand. Sometimes I read books about nutrition and emotional issues and I don't fully grasp what I'm reading because the terms used, the language used, are beyond a layman's understanding. The way Adamek spoke, it was easy to understand, and the connections between nutrition and biology were crystal clear.
It was also clear that I am a food addict. I know I mentioned in my very first post that the reason I started this blog was to confront my eating disorder (or to just confront the fact that I HAVE an eating disorder, period,) but I think it's not just an eating disorder, it's also a food addiction. And not just an overeating addiction, but an actual chemical addiction to the food I eat. Specifically the foods high in sugar and carbohydrates. This became clear when my first reaction to avoiding fast food, as talked about in this show, was "No WAY could I give up my fast food for good!" and I started to feel a bit panicky. It was an epiphany: this is also how I used to feel about cigarettes, and obviously I was addicted to those. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing that not only am I battling an eating disorder, but also a food addiction; how much can one person battle? Do I have any hope at all of overcoming these massive obstacles??? But as I always say, the more knowledge you have, the better chance you have of succeeding. You can't succeed if you don't know what the problem is.
I strongly STRONGLY recommend everyone listen to this radio program. This link only shows you how to find the program, but I'm sure if you dig around a bit you can find a link to the entire show elsewhere.
Showing posts with label moods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moods. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wok 'n Yoga
So I never did get my bike last weekend. Long story short: Wal Mart sucks. Pretty sure they're pulling the ol' bait & switch, which is in fact illegal, but I so do not care enough to pursue it. I mean, really. Come on now. I did buy an exercise DVD for just under $5, but I've yet to watch it. What I have been doing this week though is yoga. I'm pretty sure I mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like yoga because it hurts my knees and back (and I have legitimate medical issues with my knees and my back.) I tried to take a class a few years ago, but it was awful; I was in so much agony. But doing it at home, where I don't feel so self conscious, especially if I need to modify certain moves to avoid stress on my knees, seems to be OK. In fact, I've actually really enjoyed it both times, and I'm looking forward to doing it again tomorrow morning. And wow, do you ever feel it! I've never been convinced that yoga is much of a workout, but I was wrong. There's also the extra workout of trying to do the moves with a cat or two on your back, legs, head, in your shirt (true story.)
As for food, I haven't been doing too badly. I did buy some ice cream on Sunday night; I was having a massive craving and could not stop thinking about ice cream. Seriously, while I was washing dishes, playing with the cats, making my bed, watching TV, it was non-stop, "icecreamicecreamicecreamicecream". So finally I broke down and bought some. But other than that I've been doing well, especially because of some great advice from a friend. I bought a wok a few weeks ago on this friend's advice, and I've been experimenting with Thai cooking. You couldn't ever call what I've been making authentic Thai, not in any way, shape or form, but I've taken a few bits of Thai cooking here and there, specifically fish sauce and chilis, and have been using them to cook my veggies, chicken, and tofu. I've found when I combine just a touch of the fish sauce (I hate fish, but a small amount of this sauce is OK,) garlic chili sauce, and olive oil, it makes anything I'm cooking taste like THE BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD. So I'm actually enjoying my meals, they're healthy, and I'm enjoying cooking, which is rare for me.
So all in all it hasn't been a bad week. My mood is much better than it has been, too, which always helps with the diet and exercise, since my moods play a big role in my health and self care. If I'm feeling OK, I'm far more likely to do something good for myself, like eat properly and exercise. If I'm down, I'm staying down for a while, and I won't do anything beneficial for myself. So yeah, this has been a good week.
As for food, I haven't been doing too badly. I did buy some ice cream on Sunday night; I was having a massive craving and could not stop thinking about ice cream. Seriously, while I was washing dishes, playing with the cats, making my bed, watching TV, it was non-stop, "icecreamicecreamicecreamicecream". So finally I broke down and bought some. But other than that I've been doing well, especially because of some great advice from a friend. I bought a wok a few weeks ago on this friend's advice, and I've been experimenting with Thai cooking. You couldn't ever call what I've been making authentic Thai, not in any way, shape or form, but I've taken a few bits of Thai cooking here and there, specifically fish sauce and chilis, and have been using them to cook my veggies, chicken, and tofu. I've found when I combine just a touch of the fish sauce (I hate fish, but a small amount of this sauce is OK,) garlic chili sauce, and olive oil, it makes anything I'm cooking taste like THE BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD. So I'm actually enjoying my meals, they're healthy, and I'm enjoying cooking, which is rare for me.
So all in all it hasn't been a bad week. My mood is much better than it has been, too, which always helps with the diet and exercise, since my moods play a big role in my health and self care. If I'm feeling OK, I'm far more likely to do something good for myself, like eat properly and exercise. If I'm down, I'm staying down for a while, and I won't do anything beneficial for myself. So yeah, this has been a good week.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sensitivity
Before reading this post click here. It will give you some insight into what I've written below, but also into me as a person. I'll always be grateful to a certain friend for introducing me to the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person. Suddenly it felt like I might make a bit of sense, that there's a reason I'm the way I am, and I'm not a nut job (OK, not just a nut job.)
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
I hate being told you will find someone because some people never do. Through their own personality issues or just bad luck it doesn't happen. My boyfriend broke up with me - although we were together only a few months it is killing me - he was the only guy I have *ever* enjoyed kissing, the first one were sex meant something and was meaningful instead of me feeling used (and I actually liked it amazingly enough), who looked at me the way no one else has, and whose personality I like enough that I am devastated he seems to not want to be friends.
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
mustlovebooknerd 07:44 PM
@Elaken: YES! Thank you so much for saying this. I have never been in a serious relationship and have barely ever dated, and it's the one thing I want more than anything in the world (I didn't have a very stable family growing up and we're still not close now that I'm an adult, so I want nothing more than to be married and start a family of my own).
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
Changes
Been a little hit and miss this week. I've been staying on track, haven't been stuffing myself, been eating normal portions...but I've been a bit down. I'm pretty sure that's related to other factors, but it's not helping me feel positive about my...what is it that I'm doing? It's not a diet, it's not a regime, it's...I feel silly just calling it my "changes", it makes me feel like I'm menopausal or something. Whatever it's called, I haven't been feeling positive about it because of this mood. But the fact that despite this mood I've stayed on track is encouraging. I can't eat when I'm anxious, but I sure as hell can eat when I'm depressed. So that's one point in my yay! column.
Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.
There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.
Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.
There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)