Monday, January 17, 2011
First Time
I remember the very first time I felt fat. I was about 14 years old and a friend was spending the night. We were lying on the living room floor and she said "Look at my stomach, when I lie down it's concave." So I tried it, and my stomach was not concave. It wasn't convex, it was just sort of the same. My friend laughed and kept poking at her concave stomach. Until that point I'd never really even thought about my body. I was always super skinny, not least of all because I played soccer in a very competitive league and was very athletic and muscular. It wasn't until I stopped playing soccer at 13 (due to circumstances beyond my control that are not important here) and started developing that I started to think of my body and how it looked, especially compared to other girls. By the time I was 16 I had grown up and out. I had enormous breasts that I hated, and I had no idea how to wear a proper bra. And while in hindsight I can see that I was still relatively thin, I felt like a beast, especially compared to the smaller, petite girls. I grew tall, I developed a large figure (big boned, I guess you'd call it, although I hate that term,) and I had all this fat I'd never had before. Sometimes it feels like I've ever fully recovered from puberty, and I think that has played a small part in my inability to accept my body, no matter what its shape. I'm 35 years old, and have pretty much hated my body since the age of 14.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Full
I just finished eating way too much, but this time I didn't mean to. I'm not sure I would call this binging? I feel awful and so full and lightheaded and nauseated and like I could be sick at any time. And even though I'm terrified of vomiting I almost wish I would.
I went out for Indian yesterday and had a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend, and ordered a lot of food and had to get some of it to take home. I had it for dinner, but there wasn't much there so I also had a bit of what I'd just finished cooking (to take to work for lunch.) I guess it was more than I thought, because yeah, I feel disgusting. I could have very easily just eaten the leftover Indian and been completely satisfied, but in my mind it wasn't nearly enough food. I wonder when that aspect of my disorder will change, when I can look at a smaller amount of food and feel like it will be enough.
This weekend wasn't the best food-wise, but I never binged. Now I feel like I just ate for the past two hours straight and I don't know what to do. Lie down on the couch until it passes, I guess. It's times like this that I hope for an upset stomach. Not vomiting, but diarrhea (sorry...heh.) I have a sensitive stomach and often experience diarrhea, and sometimes I'm happy when it happens, because it's almost like a fitting punishment for binging or something. It's yet another form of punishing myself, which as mentioned more than once, I always feel the need to do (if I didn't I doubt my emotional issues would be anywhere near as severe as they are.) I hope this passes soon, I feel like crying.
I went out for Indian yesterday and had a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend, and ordered a lot of food and had to get some of it to take home. I had it for dinner, but there wasn't much there so I also had a bit of what I'd just finished cooking (to take to work for lunch.) I guess it was more than I thought, because yeah, I feel disgusting. I could have very easily just eaten the leftover Indian and been completely satisfied, but in my mind it wasn't nearly enough food. I wonder when that aspect of my disorder will change, when I can look at a smaller amount of food and feel like it will be enough.
This weekend wasn't the best food-wise, but I never binged. Now I feel like I just ate for the past two hours straight and I don't know what to do. Lie down on the couch until it passes, I guess. It's times like this that I hope for an upset stomach. Not vomiting, but diarrhea (sorry...heh.) I have a sensitive stomach and often experience diarrhea, and sometimes I'm happy when it happens, because it's almost like a fitting punishment for binging or something. It's yet another form of punishing myself, which as mentioned more than once, I always feel the need to do (if I didn't I doubt my emotional issues would be anywhere near as severe as they are.) I hope this passes soon, I feel like crying.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sensitivity
Before reading this post click here. It will give you some insight into what I've written below, but also into me as a person. I'll always be grateful to a certain friend for introducing me to the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person. Suddenly it felt like I might make a bit of sense, that there's a reason I'm the way I am, and I'm not a nut job (OK, not just a nut job.)
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
I hate being told you will find someone because some people never do. Through their own personality issues or just bad luck it doesn't happen. My boyfriend broke up with me - although we were together only a few months it is killing me - he was the only guy I have *ever* enjoyed kissing, the first one were sex meant something and was meaningful instead of me feeling used (and I actually liked it amazingly enough), who looked at me the way no one else has, and whose personality I like enough that I am devastated he seems to not want to be friends.
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I always feel like I'm being judged. I know a lot of that is due to my lack of confidence, but it's not always just me - often I am being judged directly, to my face. For instance, the fact that I am single. I have a friend who once told me people who are 40 or nearing 40 and who have never been married are losers. Those were her exact words. And I mean losers, like, they've lost at life. They're failures. I'm not yet 40, but I'm in my mid 30s, and my next birthday I will be on the other side of my mid 30s. In her eyes, I'm doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me. But it's not just her. I often feel like people think I'm a loser because I'm single, and likely to never be married. I feel like they're judging me, and if it's not judgment in a nasty way, like the aforementioned friend, it's judgment in a pitying way. Does it matter that I often feel like women who are married don't have the same choices and freedom that I do? That sometimes I pity them? It probably doesn't, because they're in a more socially acceptable role than I am. They are doing what we are all supposed to be doing. But that's not the point - I'm not going to try to defend my lifestyle by bashing yours. Is either really better or worse than the other? I also feel like because I am a Crazy Cat Lady (which I embrace hehe,) people make assumptions about that, which they might not were I also in a relationship, or a mother. I feel like they're thinking I'm replacing a child or a mate with my cats, when the truth is I just love cats. I don't care if I was married with 30 kids, I'd still be cat crazy and want to spend a lot of time with them. But people see a single woman with cats and they think SPINSTER, along with all its connotations: failure, loser, reject, weirdo.
And speaking of my cats, most people who know me know how sensitive I am when it comes to animals. I am beyond sensitive. I cannot hear any stories that involve pain, torture, abuse, abandonment of animals, even those stories with happy endings, I can't hear them. I hyperventilate, I cry, I cannot get the images of these animals out of my head, ever. I'm crying as I type this, actually. The judgment I often face here is the fact that I get more upset with horrific stories about animals than I do people. I don't know why I do, but I do. But the thing is, people seem to think that means I don't care about people at all, which is not true in the least. It's not that bad stories about people, particular children, don't upset me, it's just that they upset me in a different way. They just make me feel...angry, more than anything. I don't know why, but I think it's because people acting violently toward other people just doesn't surprise me.
Anyway I always feel like I have to apologize for this. That there's something very wrong with me for feeling the way I do. As for being single, I don't feel like I have to apologize for it, but I DO always feel like I have to explain it or justify it. These are not the only two examples I have of this, of course, but they're the two most recent ones. There are plenty others, like comments about my job and how much money I do (or don't, more accurately) earn, and what a "shame" it is since I have so much education. These type of comments, judgments in the guise of concern, do not help me. They make me feel worse. They make me feel like a failure. And they definitely do not inspire me to make any changes. How can I when I now feel worse about myself than I already did? How am I supposed to feel motivated when now I just feel like shit?
I don't know how to stop apologizing or justifying the way I am, but I have to learn. I have to. I am tired of feeling second class. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else's opinions matter more than mine. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, that I'm not as good as everyone else or as successful, because I'm different. I don't mind being different, I just don't like feeling like being different somehow makes me a failure. And while I know sometimes these judgments are definitely coming from other people, other times I know it's just my sensitivity to it, that I'm reading into something that is actually perfectly innocent.
See what I mean when I say I have to start treating myself better in general? It's not just my weight...I'm a bit of a mess all over. But I function, and I keep having revelations, and I keep learning, and I know all of those things are important, and difficult as hell, so...that's something.
I felt compelled to write all of this after reading some comments on a jezebel article that really rang true (see the italicized text below.) Not the subject matter as much as the reactions to other people's no doubt well- intentioned comments. I guess if I could I would ask people to refrain from making comments about my lifestyle, or making judgment calls based on little information, and just let me be me. I would also ask myself to be a million times stronger than I am and not let these comments affect me. If I were stronger, people could say whatever the hell they wanted and it wouldn't bother me because I would be happy with myself and would be confident enough to not give a shit. I would also be able to recognize that it's my own insecurities and terribly low self-esteem that's making me think people are making judgments when they're not.
Elaken 05:48 PM
It irritates the hell out of me to be told I will find someone else because it really doesn't happen often for me. I know people tend to be at a loss on how to console someone over a breakup but I prefer not to be given false hope.
mustlovebooknerd 07:44 PM
@Elaken: YES! Thank you so much for saying this. I have never been in a serious relationship and have barely ever dated, and it's the one thing I want more than anything in the world (I didn't have a very stable family growing up and we're still not close now that I'm an adult, so I want nothing more than to be married and start a family of my own).
Nothing is worse, to me, when I'm lamenting about a guy who didn't work out or even just feeling lonely and miserable than hearing "you'll find someone" because I know I might not and what I really would love to hear from my close friends is "even if you don't find someone, you and I will always be family." But it's always that crappy happy faux-optimism bullsh. It gets me so irritated.
Changes
Been a little hit and miss this week. I've been staying on track, haven't been stuffing myself, been eating normal portions...but I've been a bit down. I'm pretty sure that's related to other factors, but it's not helping me feel positive about my...what is it that I'm doing? It's not a diet, it's not a regime, it's...I feel silly just calling it my "changes", it makes me feel like I'm menopausal or something. Whatever it's called, I haven't been feeling positive about it because of this mood. But the fact that despite this mood I've stayed on track is encouraging. I can't eat when I'm anxious, but I sure as hell can eat when I'm depressed. So that's one point in my yay! column.
Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.
There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.
Another thing I've noticed is I'm starting to want to eat better and treat myself better. I started this because I knew I had to start treating myself better, but now I'm starting, just starting, to really feel the desire. I'm enjoying not being in pain after a meal. I'm enjoying not struggling to catch my breath, and I'm really enjoying not feeling so miserable after a meal. I'm enjoying not feeling guilty, not telling myself I'm a lazy piece of shit glutton. I am also enjoying feeling proud of myself in the morning after I've passed another night with no binging.
There's another thing to feel proud of, too: I haven't had a can of Coke since last Wednesday. I am a huge fan of Coke. I freakin' love it. If I could do so without consequences I would drink it all day, every day. I go through phases where I'll lay off the pop for a while but I always end up back on it. I went out for lunch with my mom last week when she was in the city, and I had a Coke with my meal. And that's the last time I had one. This is actually huge for me, since I usually drink one a day. I don't plan on giving up Coke completely, much the same way that I don't consider myself to be dieting. But if I can make it a rare treat, that would be a major success for me. And since I am feeling like I want to eat better, I'm confident that I have a good shot at it. I'm not jumping the gun, not celebrating too early - in fact, I'm not claiming success at all, really. I'm just enjoying any success I do have the day I have it. I'm really trying to stick to this "take it one day at a time" thing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Weekend
I had a pretty good weekend as far as food goes. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat junk (and we all know the weekend is pretty much a free pass to eat junk food,) and I didn't obsess. I'm concerned that I may become as obsessed with the changes I'm making as I am with food in general, which I don't want. The goal is not to trade a negative obsession with food for a positive one; that's still an obsession, which I don't need. It's all about the changes, but it's also about not making food such a huge part of my life. I think about food constantly; I need to change that. So this weekend was good in that respect. It was also good because on Sunday I made a conscious decision to actually eat three regular meals, breakfast lunch and dinner. I rarely eat regular meals on weekends. Often I can go to five or six o'clock without even thinking about food. That's not healthy. Saturday I only had two meals; it was my mom who reminded me I need to eat regularly, that I can't get by with just dinner, or just lunch and dinner, or breakfast and dinner, etc.
I also made my chili - 2 cans of tomatoes, can of tomato paste, a small dash of olive oil, onions, smidgen of chili powder (last time I made chili I put in way too much chili powder and damn near blew my face off,) white and red kidney beans, AND, a cup of quinoa. The addition of the quinoa was a genius move, if I do say so myself. I love adding it to meals where I can. The chili was delicious. And easy. Easy is key for me. Which reminds me: I mentioned below that if anyone has any cheap, healthy, and EASY recipes to share please do so. I'm lazy and I don't like cooking.
I also made my chili - 2 cans of tomatoes, can of tomato paste, a small dash of olive oil, onions, smidgen of chili powder (last time I made chili I put in way too much chili powder and damn near blew my face off,) white and red kidney beans, AND, a cup of quinoa. The addition of the quinoa was a genius move, if I do say so myself. I love adding it to meals where I can. The chili was delicious. And easy. Easy is key for me. Which reminds me: I mentioned below that if anyone has any cheap, healthy, and EASY recipes to share please do so. I'm lazy and I don't like cooking.
Friday, January 7, 2011
That Simpson, he thinks he's the pope of chili town!
I had a small relapse last night. I'm not sure relapse is the right word but I can't think of another one. I finished my dinner (I still have to work on eating slowly, too,) but instead of feeling satisfied, I started to feel the urge to raid the kitchen again. I wasn't hungry at all, but I need to eat. I just wanted to eat. So I had some corn nuts, and I had some cheezies that have been in my cupboard for a few weeks. I should just throw them out.
This binge was different in that I didn't eat too much of the corn nuts or cheezies; I didn't stuff myself until I was in pain. So while I'm disappointed in myself (I kept telling myself to stop, just stop, but the need to eat was much stronger,) I'm glad I was able to pull myself back from the edge. I just have to keep reminding myself: one day at a time. I also keep reminding myself to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones. Anytime I start feeling down about my weight, start thinking I can't do this, start thinking what's the point, I remind myself why I'm doing this. To feel better physically, to be nicer to my body, but also to be nicer to myself in general. I spend a lot of time telling myself how horrible I am. So I'm working on reversing those thoughts every time I have them. It's exhausting, but hey, I'm used to being worn out by my head. My head has long been my enemy, so this struggle is nothing new, but my response to it is.
This weekend I'm going to make vegetarian chili in my slow cooker. I always load it with beans so it's high in fibre. Plus it's super delicious, and filling. Maybe this endeavour will encourage me to start cooking more. I think when you cook a lot you are more aware of what you're putting in your body. If anyone has any recipe ideas - healthy, EASY recipes (I cannot stress easy enough, mainly because I just don't enjoy cooking, so it needs to be something I can do relatively easily) - feel free to share.
This binge was different in that I didn't eat too much of the corn nuts or cheezies; I didn't stuff myself until I was in pain. So while I'm disappointed in myself (I kept telling myself to stop, just stop, but the need to eat was much stronger,) I'm glad I was able to pull myself back from the edge. I just have to keep reminding myself: one day at a time. I also keep reminding myself to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones. Anytime I start feeling down about my weight, start thinking I can't do this, start thinking what's the point, I remind myself why I'm doing this. To feel better physically, to be nicer to my body, but also to be nicer to myself in general. I spend a lot of time telling myself how horrible I am. So I'm working on reversing those thoughts every time I have them. It's exhausting, but hey, I'm used to being worn out by my head. My head has long been my enemy, so this struggle is nothing new, but my response to it is.
This weekend I'm going to make vegetarian chili in my slow cooker. I always load it with beans so it's high in fibre. Plus it's super delicious, and filling. Maybe this endeavour will encourage me to start cooking more. I think when you cook a lot you are more aware of what you're putting in your body. If anyone has any recipe ideas - healthy, EASY recipes (I cannot stress easy enough, mainly because I just don't enjoy cooking, so it needs to be something I can do relatively easily) - feel free to share.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)
I didn't read this until tonight. Meaning, I diagnosed my symptoms on my own and came to the conclusion that I have an eating disorder. So while I feel like I've earned bragging rights for proper diagnosis, it makes me feel a bit sad and disheartened to read this, to see that yes, I 100% fit the profile for a compulsive binge eater.
Main Features of Binge-Eating Disorder
* binge-eating: eating a large amount of food within a set period of time (e.g. within any two hour period), an amount of food that is larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances
* feeling a sense of lack of control over eating during a binge (e.g. feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)
* no purging (attempts to get rid of food eaten) following a binge
Behaviors Associated with Binge-Eating
* repeated occurrences of binge eating not followed by purging
* eating unusually large amounts of food, to the point of feeling physical discomfort
* feeling a sense of being "out of control" while eating, taking other people's food, stealing, eating discarded food and/or searching desperately for food
* eating to feel temporary emotional comfort, driven to eat for pleasurable feelings
* feeling agitated, wanders/paces up and down during binges
* eating in secret or alone, embarrassed about bingeing behavior
* feeling distress, depression, shame, revulsion/disgust after overeating
* eats rapidly and may experience an "altered state of consciousness" (trance-like); people often watch TV or listen to loud music to distract them during binges
eating between and beyond meal times, snacks excessively
* intense urges or cravings to eat particular foods
* low self-esteem/self-image, over concern about shape and weight, trying to diet due to guilt
Triggers
* being alone, isolated, workaholic lifestyle, lack of structure in the day
* personal problems (e.g. breakup with a partner, death of a loved one, losing a job)
* involved with critical, non-nuturing relationships causing low self-worth and stress
* unpleasant feelings i.e. feeling anxious, frustrated, bored, tired, upset, depressed, abandoned, rage
* gaining weight, feeling fat
* dieting, breaking a diet, feeling hungry, drinking alcohol
Emotional Consequences
* feeling helpless, loss of control, lonely, guilty, regretful, confused, distressed
* low self-esteem, depression
* self-punitive thoughts/blaming oneself e.g. "I'm a failure"
Binge eating disorder often begins in adulthood as a response to overwhelming, painful experiences or feelings inside. Binge-eating is also more common in adults who are larger in size. People who are average weight, or underweight also binge-eat. Men and women are affected, African-Americans appear to be at risk as much as Caucasians and it affects people in a wide age-range, from twenty to fifty years. By overeating, a person may try to dampen, suppress and deal with feelings and emotions such as anxiety, anger, depression, emptiness, frustration, low self-esteem, fear and/or guilt. Binge-eating can start a vicious cycle as a person begins to binge-eat because they feel badly inside, followed by dieting/fasting, which often leads to another binge episode.
Sheena's Place - Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)
Main Features of Binge-Eating Disorder
* binge-eating: eating a large amount of food within a set period of time (e.g. within any two hour period), an amount of food that is larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances
* feeling a sense of lack of control over eating during a binge (e.g. feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)
* no purging (attempts to get rid of food eaten) following a binge
Behaviors Associated with Binge-Eating
* repeated occurrences of binge eating not followed by purging
* eating unusually large amounts of food, to the point of feeling physical discomfort
* feeling a sense of being "out of control" while eating, taking other people's food, stealing, eating discarded food and/or searching desperately for food
* eating to feel temporary emotional comfort, driven to eat for pleasurable feelings
* feeling agitated, wanders/paces up and down during binges
* eating in secret or alone, embarrassed about bingeing behavior
* feeling distress, depression, shame, revulsion/disgust after overeating
* eats rapidly and may experience an "altered state of consciousness" (trance-like); people often watch TV or listen to loud music to distract them during binges
eating between and beyond meal times, snacks excessively
* intense urges or cravings to eat particular foods
* low self-esteem/self-image, over concern about shape and weight, trying to diet due to guilt
Triggers
* being alone, isolated, workaholic lifestyle, lack of structure in the day
* personal problems (e.g. breakup with a partner, death of a loved one, losing a job)
* involved with critical, non-nuturing relationships causing low self-worth and stress
* unpleasant feelings i.e. feeling anxious, frustrated, bored, tired, upset, depressed, abandoned, rage
* gaining weight, feeling fat
* dieting, breaking a diet, feeling hungry, drinking alcohol
Emotional Consequences
* feeling helpless, loss of control, lonely, guilty, regretful, confused, distressed
* low self-esteem, depression
* self-punitive thoughts/blaming oneself e.g. "I'm a failure"
Binge eating disorder often begins in adulthood as a response to overwhelming, painful experiences or feelings inside. Binge-eating is also more common in adults who are larger in size. People who are average weight, or underweight also binge-eat. Men and women are affected, African-Americans appear to be at risk as much as Caucasians and it affects people in a wide age-range, from twenty to fifty years. By overeating, a person may try to dampen, suppress and deal with feelings and emotions such as anxiety, anger, depression, emptiness, frustration, low self-esteem, fear and/or guilt. Binge-eating can start a vicious cycle as a person begins to binge-eat because they feel badly inside, followed by dieting/fasting, which often leads to another binge episode.
Sheena's Place - Binge-Eating Disorder (Compulsive Overeating)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)